Just damn....

What can I say…

What can I do

Just made a fool of my self this weekend for you.

But it’s okay.

At least now I know, where I really stand

Thanks for giving me a hand in coming to the realization of -

Thinking at least our friendship meant something to you

But I see I was wrong – bcuz your actions told me the truth

But it’s all good, I’m use to being hurt.

So this sadness I feel is nothing new.

It is what it is…but now I see.

This is why I learned a long time ago

To think with my gut, and fuck what my heart tells me

The heart lies and makes you think something is, but deep down –

My gut is telling me this could never be.

Yeah, we’re different, but it seemed as if we could balance each other out so well

But what the hell…

Was I thinking – I wasn’t something you wanted.

Just wanted me to believe our friendship was true.

But after this weekend, I see clearly now..

But cant help but to continue to ask myself just how

How could you treat me as if I was nothing.

Good thing I had a way out - a friend that cares

And made sure to it – I got just where I needed to go

My mom always told me to have an exit plan,

Bcuz most folks will show me that I cant depend on them – especially if they are a man.

But damn, just WOW – it didn’t’ even phase you that I left

Why even agree to the weekend –

Never thought it would turn out the way it did

But I knew that the weekend would be the defining factor for us.

Too bad that it had to end this way.

But fuck it – I’m numb to hurt, pain and the tears have ran dry.

But just damn, you said you care…

But your actions tells me that’s a lie. And you’ll never be there

The way that I need you too. But again it’s all good. That’s just life in the hood.

You know it’s funny – bcuz I told myself I wouldn’t get caught up in the bullshit, fuckery of a man again.

But look at my dumb ass – let my feelings take me to a place - that right now I just cant even comprehend.

Thinking you were different – but you’re just like all the rest of the men.

Don’t get it twisted – I knew from the jump – we were only friends – or so I thought.

I don’t have things wrong – just let my feelings for you – dictate my actions and I let my guard down.

Only to turn around and look like the circus clown.

But you want to know what’s wrong – lets start from Friday.

I felt myself shutting down from that first comment you made in the car.

Nora, I don’t have no alcohol – I know how bad you want a drink and pass out on the bench.

See, you always talk about how negative I am – but fail to look at yourself.

You sit and judge anything that you don’t agree with.

Aint that a bitch –

Why couldn’t you just accept me for me – just like I accepted you for you.

Yes, it’s shit I didn’t like about you – but the things that I did out shadowed anything I didn’t like. So it wasn’t a big deal.

But you made it known on more the 50 occasions just how much you hate my negativity.

Sad part – I’ve only been me. But you’re so busy pointing out all the negative shit you didn’t like. – what does that really say about you???

But what about the things you liked?? Or was there any at all?

But it don’t matter – this weekend was the fall –

Of any friendship – relationship or anything else I could have ever wanted from you.

I thought you liked me – but I see that wasn’t true.

But oh well – what’s done is done.

And yes – I regret everything that happened.

I should have stayed my black ass home –just like my gut said.

But every time I don’t listen – I always fuck myself –

Oh well – just damn – it’s over now.

Then on to Saturday –

That was a good day – we had fun – went to the movies –

Was able to laugh and joke about a few things.

Just how things should have went the entire weekend.

But I guess that could happen only in a perfect world.

Ha – even tore me – but the rip you left on my heart

Will never heal.

Damn, why did I have to feel

These things for you – why did I care, when u showed me I meant nothing to you.

Oh well – just damn –

I know I’ll get over it one day –

You played me like I was some stray off the streets.

Thought we were better than that – but fuck it – now I see just what I meant to you.

Sunday – oh my damn – what just happened????
yes – I slept on the couch – so what – big deal.

I just didn’t want to get in bed – tossing and turning to wake you up.

Then you want to act like you care – woke up twice – not once did you say anything or try to wake me up to say get in bed.

Then make a big deal after you were out the bed – at 8am in the morning for me to get in bed –

Guess as long as I wasn’t sleeping with you – it was all cool.

But like I said – I’m good – at least I know where I stand now.

You ask me what’s wrong – trying to make a big damn deal out of how much you care.

Actions speak louder then any words could ever say – and all I saw this weekend was fuck you Nora – go away.

Try to talk to you – but the computer and sports were more important to you then I could ever be.

Don’t say it’s not true.

You in mid sentence but get up from us talking and just stop and go walking

Into the room and back onto your computer –

So I just shut down more – not a whole lot left in store for me – to be wondering

What in the fuck did I set myself up for.

This wasn’t the plan to be treated like a two bit whore.

Oh well – it is what it is…

Funny thing is – I hear you say – “nora, this isn’t nothing knew with us – I know how you are. So if you know how I am – and you know I have issues with expressing myself

Why make it such a big deal that I didn’t talk on your turns. But eventually I always open you to you.

For real – you’re the one that made me shut down.

You some times makes it impossible to talk to you.

To even want to be your friend sometimes.

But I liked you – and I was trying to look past all that.

But just damn – why couldn’t you do the same for me.

But I give up on you –

No since in holding on – there’s no friendship – no love lost –

Oh well fuck it – I’m through!!!

It’s sad to think that things got so out of hand

But like I said before – now I at least know where I stand.

Got me down there and ya ass wouldn’t even take me back to the airport

Good thing for real friends –

Thank you Karen – for everything.

I truly appreciate you.

At least some folks still believe in a friendship that’s true.

But fuck it – whatever – I wont say I don’t care –

Bcuz I think this poem is telling that I do.

I just really cant believe you.

Thought you were different.

But you’re just a man –

So my mistake for believing in you.

At this point – I don’t even know what to do.

Delete you off everything I have – my phone, my yahoo, my mind.

Don’t know why I cant shake this shit – but it’s cool – in time – you’ll be a thing of the past –

I figured this so called fake friendship wouldn’t last –

But wow just damn.

What did I even mean to you – or dare I ask.

But fuck it – it’s over now and I’m home at least.

Soon enough you’ll be a distant memory of the past.

But that don’t stop the pain and the hurt.

And these fucking tears wont stop falling.

And I ask myself why the hell do I care – when you don’t.

And that’s not fair.

But I’ve gotten over greater hurt and pain than this.

Now to me – you don’t exist

This is my closure for this entire night mare.

I just want it to end…

But JUST DAMN…..

Fuck it- I don’t care -

Sunday morning Rant!!!

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Today's the day I go home...after 2yrs of being away. away from the cold - the snow - family...

I'm kind of excited - but at the same time not sure what to expect.

There's a lot of stuff going on that I wont talk about here right now...but - maybe I should have just taken care of them 2yrs ago and I would be done and not have to deal with it.

Oh well, hard heads make soft asses or so they tell me!

When I know better then to act on emotions - why do I find myself doing it some times....well this will be the very last time...

Trying so hard not to shut down completely, but it's not easy.

well i'mma stop right now, bcuz I want to say so much more...but it's not time yet...

HOMEWARD BOUND....YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY



HERE IS THE SONG I'M THINKING OF RIGHT NOW..I'M TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP THE LYRICS..BUT ENJOY...

Ranting Randomly....v.34.21

So, I haven't been here in a while, but with moving and some other stuff going on, I just haven't had time.
So now it's 2:48am, cant sleep and just tired of crying, tired of not being able to sleep, tired of fighting with folks I shouldn't even have to fight with. But I guess that's life.

Well, sometimes, I think that my being honest about how I feel and voicing my opinion can be a doubled edge sword. I mean, on one hand, I think that honesty is the best policy, but on the other hand, some folks really cant handle the truth.

So I've decided to just let the situation go, and whatever happens or dont happen, I wont worry myself any more about it.

I'm not mad, a lil disappointed and a little sad, but hey, I'm partly to blame.

I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but how much can I really take.

I felt like I was being made to eventually choose and though I was told I wanted or wouldn't ever have too...YOUR words didn't come off like that.

Though you said you were playing... YOUR words didn't come off like that.

But it is what it is. I know I may have said some hurt shit, and even though I meant every word I said...I never meant to hurt you. and I hope u can understand from my end.

I've tried to understand where u were coming from, but again, I only see one said - and even with that I only get HALF stuff..so cant really form an opionion one way or the other...well i have...but...yeah... and I never wanted to be in the middle. but I think because I only know part of one side, and I'm sure that's only a small part, and never trying to look in to actually find out what's the real issues..I think it's harder for me to see some of your side.

Yes, I know you care about him, but when u talk, I hear ANGER, BITTERNESS, FRUSTRATION, and a few other things...THIS is what I HEAR. It's hard for me to ASSUME you dont mean it, when you say stuff every day.

Yes, I said, I love my sisters, but it's something about my brothers...and I've always felt that way, even with my REAL sisters...but I'd never choose one over the other...but me saying, he'd always be my brother but you may not always be your sister, I see your point.

At this point, I just dont know any more. So my staying clear, and keeping my mouth shut is exactly what I'm going to do. But one thing is for certain, and two things are for sure...that subject is off limits to talking about. Be it happy, sad, good or bad times.

Sucks it has to come to having to limit what we can talk about...but deep down in my mind, I knew one day, something would be put to the test...

too bad, someone we both care about and love in two totally different ways, is the center of that limit. I guess it is what it is.

As far as you G8, I'm sorry, and I dont want you to think you're in the middle of anything. Because you're not. Sorry, u even had to go through that and witness the whole ugly thing..but it wont happen again.

so I'm just falling back for a while...dont know how long...so yeah, this is my way of not wanting to be annoyed, not wanting to annoy anyone and to stop arguing and fighting and the back and forth. I really dont have the energy for it....with the move, and the other personal stuff...I cant handle all the stress and drama right now.

Sorry it had to come to this..but maybe all good things do come to an end...
________________________________________________

so the packing is all done, except the things that I have to ship home, and that will be done when UPS comes and get the stuff.

Excited about my mini vacation...or atleast trying to be excited. With so much stuff going on, sometimes now I wonder if I should have booked the trip. and just waited until after every thing clears.

But not going to focus on all the bad that's going on. I'm going to have fun and enjoy the company.

Still a lil nervous about everything with that...but I know it will be fine...

though I like it, not going in expecting anything but friends having fun together and spending time as friends...

guess everything is bitter/sweet with everything going on with me. wanting to talk to you, but....

'll make the best of this and we'll be fine...

cant wait to see you, it's been awhile since the last time..

ok, it's 3:09, and i have 3 hrs before i have to get up...so i'mma end it here for now...i'll b back later....

_________________________________________________

Song I'm feeling....
So I cant get the video bcuz it's blocked..

but here's the song's link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hB22npEUbx8


_____LYRICS_____

Me, Myself and I by; Cheryl "Pepsii" Riley


Oooohhhhhhhh ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh me, myself and I---- (me myself and I)
Always wearing a smile
Running free, running wild
That’s my best disguise, cant you tell.
So unhappy, I’d die, I’ve considered a try
Then I stopped and said to myself girl,
This is the easy way out..why not challenge the world
I’d cry up a storm that throws my mind in a swirl
Then I looked in the mirror, and the reflection says,
You, must love you, bcuz nothing comes easy
I have dreams of my own too, and it’s true
Straight to the sun, we’ll fly, me, myself and I
Me, myself and I ----------
Sometimes, I feel as if I’m standing on a cliff
But you cant let the wind just blow you
Must be happy for self, if for no one else
I need someone to love me all the time
I stumble through the darkness in my mind
I’m riding through an hour glass out of time
And then I turned to the mirror and the reflection says:
You, must love you, bcuz nothing comes easy
I have dreams of my own too, and it’s true
Straight to the sun, we’ll fly, me, myself and I
Me, myself and I ----------
And the mirror and the reflection says:
You, must love you, bcuz nothing comes easy
I have dreams of my own too, and it’s true
Straight to the sun, we’ll fly, me, myself and I
And maybe the reflection is just an image of GOD!

Randoming Ranting again!!!

1. today is jus a blah day

2. aint really feeling well, not really wanting to be bothered.

3. how did i allow my feelings to get so out of control about some stuff.

4. really gotta get it together.

5. this aint the business.

6. feel like i'm losing more of me, day by day.

7. what's really wrong????

8. i've come to the conclusion, i'll never fit in.

9. getting ready to move back home, to take care of shit i should have done before i left

10. things aren't goin right, but i know in the end, it will be okay.

11. i miss the way things use to be, but at this point dont care if they never get back right.

12. i got too much shit going on right now..

13. most folks will never understand me...hell most will never be close enugh to even get the chance.

14. i'm real hard on folks, and it takes someone very special to get past the brick wall i've taken years to build up.

15. Even though I dont mind being a loner, sometimes, it bothers me.

16. sometimes, I wonder if i'll die old and lonely, or young and lonely...sad part is..i believe i'll die alone.

17. i'm really not a bad person...

18. too bad, most will never see that side of me either.

19. i'm sorry for everything i've done MVS...you'll never know how much I regret messing up with you.

20. but it's time to let go...

21. my mind is running a mile a minute.

22. even though i dont want to go home, i know i need to take care of this, once and for all

23. life isn't always fair...but then again, i think my past is just finally catchin up with me...

24. i'm getting old, and i do want a family, the husband, the 2 kids, big house, and the picket fence...just dont think it will ever happen.

25. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

26. I know there is more for me out here, but have i blocked my blessings from actually obtaining those things.

27. I sure do hope not..

28. i'mma stop here, bcuz i feel the tears about to fall...


Song I've feelings.....