My walk down the isle song...

THIS GIFT.....




Ok, so I really love this song...

and if I ever get married, this is the song I want to walk down the isle on.. (i think...this may change depending on the decade I get married).. LMAO...





This Gift Lyrics


You changed my life
It's really happening
It's like I'm in a dream
Your sacrifice
It made me change my mind
Thought all men
Were just the same
(Just the same)
You made me trust again
Made me feel safe
And loved
You didn't pressure me
Gave me a chance
To open up my heart

I won't be the one
To pull away
Tell me you're the man
That's gunna stay
I know
That this gift can last
Say you'll never leave me
And I'll always be right here

Chorus:
This gift
Opened up
My heart to you
This gift
A dream that was built
Just for two
This gift
Is everything I cherished
You want my hand in marriage
Your love
Is the greatest gift of all

This gift
Is everything I couldn't have
This gift
I accept now take my hand
This gift
Showed me how to love thee
This is how it should be
Your love
Is the greatest gift of all

You are the only man
To show me
That love don't hurt
You understand my pain
That's why I need you
Like a flower
That needs the rain

I won't be the one
To pull away
Tell me you're the man
That's gunna stay
I know
That this gift can last
Say you'll never leave me
And I'll always be right here

(Chorus)

This picture perfect happiness
The answer to our prayers
I'm holding on with no regrets
Cause I'm so blessed
That you gave me

(This gift)
That you gave me this gift
I just wanna thank you
For giving me this gift
(This gift)
Everything I didn't have
(This gift)
I accept now take my hand
Tell me that you love me
This is how it should be
This gift
Is the greatest gift of all

I never wanna have to ask this question!!!!

WHY DID I GET MARRIED?

Ok, so I was really listening to this song the other day and it really got me to thinking…

After going through all that, she got married and now she’s questioning the reasons.

You know folks change, times changes things, but I just don’t want to sit here and have to ask myself why did I get married? Why did we spend this time on trying to build a life together, just to break up and end it all????

I mean, heck, I hate spending a year or 2 on someone that I’ve dated just to find out in the end, he wasn’t the one. It’s like that time you’ll never get back. That time could have been spent on something or someone else more worthy. But we never really know what the future holds…

I’ve found that I’m a faithful person. If we’re going to be together, then I want it to be you and I again the world! I don’t have the time or energy for all the other bull that sometimes surrounds a relationship. I know that it takes work and dedication to make things work out and both parties have to want it to work out. But why when one want to go and cheat or be with someone else, instead of being honest and upfront, why go behind the back of the other party and cheat and lie and deceive???

I mean, I know it sounds good on paper for someone to do that. But I base or I try to base my relationships on honesty, communication and loyalty. Sometimes, we don’t want to hear the truth!!! Heck, I know that, because I sure as heck don’t always like it…But I’ll respect you more if you tell me the truth. Because once I find out you went behind my back and lied and cheated….It’s not going to be very pretty for you! I’m just saying. I can deal with a lot of things, but lying and cheating isn’t one of them.

I’m like damn, I just wouldn’t ever want to be married and having to ask myself WHY???? Heck, I don’t even want to be dating anyone more then 6 months and asking myself WHY???

I don’t know..dont mind me..this is just my random rant for today….

________________________________________________________
HERE ARE THE LYRICS...

I’ve giving all I can give…

But you…you..you..you..have betrayed my love..my loveeeeeeeeeee

You said…U’ll never lie

You said…y’ll never cheat

You promised to be the perfect man for me

But then you changed, wasn’t the same,

You became a stranger in our home

Why did I get married to you why…

All this time I’ve wasted out of me life (out of my life)

Through the storms I stood right by your side…

But you did not return the love of why??

did I get married to you

Tell me…what didn’t I do, that wasn’t enough for you

I don’t desire the things you put me through

May heart cant take, any more pain.

(NO) I feel foolish, crying over you

Why did I get married to you why…

All this time I’ve wasted out of me life (out of my life)

Through the storms I stood right by your side…

But you did not return the love of why??

did I get married to you

I went out my way to satisfy you..and I

Did everything you ask for me (I’d do anything to please u)

I neglected myself to support you

Gave up my dreams to be with u

Fought so hard to protect you…I needed to love you!!!

Why did I get married to you why…

All this time I’ve wasted out of me life (out of my life)

Through the storms I stood right by your side…

But you did not return the love of why??

did I get married to you

Proverbs 27:6

It's ironic this came up in Bible Class.

Today a had a conversation with a friend today, and what he said really hurt my feelings. He said he didn't mean what he said, in a hurtful way, and I even believe him, but doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less. And I was mad at him, and I'm sure he was frustrated with me. Especially after the last convo when I just hung up the phone. But anyways this scripture came up:

Proverbs 27:6
Faithful are the [Ps 141:5; Prov 20:30] wounds of a friend,But deceitful are the [Matt 26:49] kisses of an enemy.

And Bishop Thomas went to break it down as such:

Sometimes a FRIEND will tell us things we may not like. And in the end, that same thing that was told to us, can help to change our situations or perspective on life and end up being a blessing to us in the end.

But be very careful of those that tells us anything or sugar coat things, they aren't doing us any good.

_______________

This got me to thinking. Yes, even though you hurt my feelings, I appreciate you. We've always been true to one another. And we've become great friends. I appreciate your honesty and your never sugar coating things for me. You'll never know just how much.

That was something I needed to hear, and I know it's something I need to work on. You were right!

Thank you!!!

love ya...

Nora...

damnit...i'm frustrated again....

I mean, damn, what in the hell does folks want from me???

I mean, you tell me you're trying to get your shit together, you've been busy, so when I say, something like, ok, we'll I guess I'll hear from you whenever you take care of your business, I'm wrong and I get shit from you???

what the hell???

I'm not saying, I wont be here whenever you need me, I'm just giving you your space, but...whatever...Guess I'mma be wrong then, screw it...
________________________________________________
PART 2....

Trying to get negative shit outta my life...


Gotta new number, deleted alottttttttttttttttt of folks outta my phone, outta my life, and not dealing with them...

dont need or want the bull that they try to bring.

not that I'm upset with them or anything like that, just it was time we parted ways....

__________________________________________
PART 3...


You are so full of shit...

you did all that bullshit talking about how you made a mistake....

blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhh, asking my sister about if she thinks I'll talk to you, and give you another chance, or at least be ya friend...

why in the hell didn't i just say, to hell with it when I was thinking about it, when you were telling me that bullshit story about why the communication ended....

But do ya thang, again. I aint mad, it's just your end of the road to be part of my life...

_________________________________
PART 4....
I just dont know how in the hell....................

_________________________________
PART 5....

I got a school girl crush... lmaoooooooooooooooooo

that's cute...

___________________________________
PART 6...

These damn random thoughts, confessions or whatever the hell..after reading them over, I sound a lil bi-polar lmaoooooooooooooo

I wanted to be in ______ for my bday weekend, but you have other obligations. I understand, we'll make a date that will work for the both ofus. maybe....

I miss talkin to you!!! But duty calls, u have to do what u gotta do...

You dont know how much I admire you, and your loyalty, your caring, your always being there for me!!! I so appreciate you more then you'll ever know...

____________________________________
PART 7

i have the best mom ever....

____________________________________
PART 8....

I cant wait until I can get my words right to do my blog I've been thinking about since Sunday.

Church was so good...it really put alot of things into perceptive for me...

GOD does answer prayers. THANK YOU GOD....

YOU'RE really opening my eyes to so many things...
_______________________________________

Part 9...

hahahaha, I had another dream about you... hahahaha, they are getting crazier by the night...

______________________________________
Part 10...
ok, i just dont know anymore...

I dont know how to be there for you any more...

everything is so different.....

i miss my friend, but what am i suppose to do???

you green-eyed mothafucka (lmao)...yeah, I did that so you'll know that i'm talkin about you. I told you, I call you that when I get frustrated with you.

Take care of ya self and know you still and will always have a friend in me, even with all the differences.

Love ya.....

damn...

i'm sorry i even said anything...

like i said, u have to do deal with this the best way you know how..

i'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying I've noticed you get defensive when something comes up and it's something you dont want to hear, dont like or thinks someone is attacking you....

i'm done with it, and i'm never in a million life times saying anything else about it...

so if you wanna just vent to me, fine, but all i'm doing from this point on, is a few uh huhs, and nods...

again, sorry i ever said anything...

christina aquilera - hurt

Seems like it was yesterday
When I saw your face
You told me how proud you were,
But I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, ooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..
By hurting you

ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS....

that's all i gotta say....

early morning confessions....

I confess...

it's too early for your shit today...

you want things to go the same, and "let's be friends" you had the chance, and you lied, and dissed me...

so no, things will never be like they once were...

you made the choice not me...

i just made the choice to not fuck with you..

i mean, for what???? you showed me ya game....

and again, guess I was only a bench player.... lmao

you'll never know just how good of a person i am...

you'll never know just how fucked up my feelings are about you now...

i get pissed any time you sent me an IM....i'm mad at you, and no i haven't gotten over that bullshit....

and i'm mad bcuz you lied, you tried to run game, and you swear you didn't. this is why i dont
believe shit 98 percent of things that comes outta most men's mouth..either on or off line.

you didn't have to try to play me, u could have just been "friends" like you claim everything is..was..but oh well, that's life, i wish you well...really i do....

i confess, my i'm done on that bullshit..bcuz that's just what it is...
___________________________________________________________

i confess................ part 2...

my heart is really heavy right now..

i have tears in my eyes..

i'm going through so much, and these ungrateful assholes in my family just dont understand.

i so mean, i aint sending that money.

i'm doing the obituaries now, and i didn't get alot of folks stuff that they wanted to add in it, oh well,

after yesterday, I so meant everything what i said,

i know i'mma get shit, but i'm so ready for it...

why is it, i have to be the bad person, bcuz i choose to not have a thousand babies, to not fuck up my education and to want something better out of my life, does that make me a bitch...

well if it does, i'll wear the name proudly...

i cant believe you're gone...

i miss you so much...i know we weren't as close as we use too when we were kids, but Big Mike, you already know you were always my favorite cousin. You helped me through and with a lot. You were my rock after I lost Khalil. You helped me to realize that I had to get out of that crazy ass relationship.

I thank you for everything, i know I didn't before...but i thank you. i appreciate you and i'll never forget you.

my heart is heavy, my tears are falling, and i am just feeling blah right now..

Prayer for my Sisters...Rhonda and Kawana...

FATHER GOD, WE COME TO YOU, AS HUMBLE AS WE CAN. WE'VE ALL BEEN STRUGGLING WITH MATTERS OF THE HEART, WITH PERSONAL STRUGGLES, WITH MISSING OUR LOST LOVED ONES. WE DONT ALWAYS UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CHOOSE US TO GO THROUGH WHAT WE GO THROUGH, BUT WE WELCOME THE CHALLENGE, BCUZ WE KNOW WITH YOU, WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH ANY BATTLE WE HAVE TO FACE.

I KNOW THERE ARE ALOT OF THINGS, WE HAVEN'T SHARED WITH ONE ANOTHER THAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH, BUT GOD, YOU SEE HOW PAIN, YOU KNOW FIRST HAND EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON, YOU KNOW WHERE WE FALL SHORT, WHEN WE WANT TO GIVE UP, WHEN WE SEEM AS IF WE DONT WANNA GO ON, BUT WE THANK YOU NOW, FOR WE KNOW THIS TOO SHALL PASS. AND THROUGH OUR TEST WE'LL HAVE AN AMAZING TESTIMONY THAT WE CAN ONLY HAVE BECAUSE OF OUR FAITH IN YOU. WE KNOW WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS. PLEASE CONTINUE TO WATCH OVER US, AND HELP US TO FIND PEACE WHERE WE CURRENTLY DONT HAVE IT, HELP US TO FIND UNDERSTANDING WHERE WE NEED IT,

WE PRAY FOR FINANCIAL BLESSINGS, WE PRAY FOR HEALTHING OF THE MIND, BODY AND SPIRIT. FATHER GOD, IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY, AND WE FEEL LONELY SOMETIEMS, BUT WITH YOU, WE KNOW WE ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE TO WALK WITH AND TO TALK WITH. THROUGH YOU, WE KNOW THAT WE ARE ALREADY HEALED. FATHER GOD, PLEASE CONTINUE TO WATCH OVER US AND PROTECT US FROM HARM. GUIDE US TO THE DESTINY THAT YOU HAVE SET FORTH FOR US. LEAD OUR STEPS AND CONTINUE TO LEAD OUR WAY. SHOW US, YOUR WILL, SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND IT LOUD AND CLEAR. SHOW US THE WAY LORD, WE FEEL LOST RIGHT NOW, YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE ASKING YOU TO COME AND SHOW OUT IN OUR LIVES AS ONLY YOU CAN. THE DEVIL WILL NOT HAVE VICTORY, HE WILL NOT HAVE ANY PARTS OF OUR LIFE. SO WE'RE STEPPIN ON HIS HEAD RIGHT NOW

GOD JUST GUIDE US AND CONTINUE OUR BOND AS FRIENDS AND AS SISTERS, AND ALLOW US TO CONTINUE TO BE THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER. FATHER GOD, IN YOUR NAME, WE THANK YOU AND WE LOVE YOU.

AMEN

Poems that I try to be inspired by...

I always loved this poem:

"Invictus" by: William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


and the other poem I like:

Rudyard Kipling
If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Still saying thank you!!!!!

I've had sins
And I've had pain
My heart has been broken
And my life has been strained
But in spite of everything I've been through
I still gotta say thank you

I've been up
And I've been down
Had my life turn, turn, turn
Completely around
But in spite of everything I've been through
I still... I gotta say thank you

Thank you... Thank you
For your many blessings [For your blessings]
In spite of my mess [In spite of my mess]
Lord, ou looked down and you blessed me [For Your blessings]
Even in the midst of my test [In the midst of my test]
[In spite of everything] In spite of everything
[I've been through] I still gotta say thank you
Thank you Jesus

For your blessings [For your blessings]
In spite of my mess [In spite of my mess]
Lord, you blessed me [For your blessings]
Right dead in the middle of my test [In the midst of my test]
[In spite of everything] In spite of everything, in spite of everything
That I've been through, I've still gotta thank you Jesus

I wanna say, I just wanna say thank you Jesus
[Thank you Lord]
Oh yeah, thank you, Yeah, just wanna say thank you Jesus
[Thank you... I gotta say]
I gotta say thank you for every iddy biddy thing you've done in my life
For all the ways make me
For all the doors you open, Lord
I wanna say hey
[Thank you]
[I gotta say] Glory, hallelujah, for all you've done in my life
You've been Lord, You've been my protection [My protection]
All of the way [All of my way]

I thank you Lord [I thank you Lord!]
I thank you Lord [I thank you Lord!]
I thank you Lord [I thank you Lord!]
Yes, yes, yes, yeah

[In spite of everything I've been through]
I still gotta look to heaven and say thank you
Lord, I thank you for every iddy biddy
thing you've done in my life
I say thank you
Just wanna thank you
Mmmm, I must, I must, I shall say thank you
Oh thank you
Hey, I thank you
Just wanna say thank you.

Michael Miles..R.I.P.

What in the hell is really going on in this world??? Why are folks so cruel??? Why did whomever killed him have to kill him. Let alone the way that they killed him?

i cant stop the tears from falling. I cant stop picturing his face. Remember when we use to get into so much trouble in grade school because of so many reasons. I remember as we got older, he'd tell me, "Stuff (childhood nickname)...I know ya brothers got ya back, but I'm the man. Anyone mess with ya, they gonna have to answer me Big Mike, and they dont wanna have to fuqq with me. I use to say, yeah, I know Big Mike. and we'd just laugh.

Then we lost touch, they moved out of state for a while. Of course we'd talk on the phone, and the the calls got shorter, and stopped being everyone day to every other day, to about once a week, the once a mouth, then almost never until...not talking at all.

then they moved back to MI, and we made plans to hang out, but we never could get our schedules to coincide with each other.

i know my cousin wasn't a saint, and LORD knows he did his dirt. But for someone to kill him like they did. Shot him in the head, then ran over him numerous times in a car...Why are folks so damn cruel??? Where is the regard for life??? Why doesn't it exist anymore to most folks???

I just spoke to him, because when I went home, he was like, Stuff (my family nick name), we use to be thicker then thieves, and now u dont even call me. so I called him Friday and we talked for about an hour. he was like, i'm coming there, to get away from the city, these boys gonna get me...he just cant saying, these boys are gonna get me. he just had a baby that's not even a month old.

30 yrs old and gone. i'm realy trying to cope with this, but it's so hard. just not even fair. i've dealt with so much lose and pain..i just dont think i can take much more...

i feel like my head is going to explode, i cant take not one more piece of bad news....

(picture to follow)

My confessions....

I confess...

today i'm so frustrated...
and i think it's more with myself then then some of the situations I find
myself in.

I confess...
I really wanna trust and let folks in more then I do, but it's so hard for
me, and I hate that I cant get past thinking everyone is out here for to
harm me.

I confess...
I've been thinking about going to some kind of therapy session or 100...
I dont know if that will do any good, but I have to try something.

I confess...
even after having dinner with Waymond (my son's father) and his mom, though
it did some good, I still hold on to so many things.

I confess...
I really dont know what the heck is wrong with me.

I confess...
that I'm trying so hard not to run him away....
and it's like I feel nothing I do is right. and I think I am
subconsciencely running him away more and more.

I confess...
I really like him and i know he likes me too, but how much will he be able
to take.

I confess...
Waymond and a few other things in my past has me so messed up inside that I
think I propusely sabatoge anything good that comes in my life bcuz I'm so
afraid that something will end up screwed up in the end. that I'm truly
afraid to give things a chance..

I confess..
I truly haven't been happy at all for the last 14 yrs and counting.

I confess..
I really think he's an amazing guy, and he's the one that has shown me that
he isn't like all the rest.

I confess...
I am trying not to tear up at my desk..but the tears are winning.

I confess...
I hate we're so far away from one another.

I confess...
I could really use a hug from my sisters right now.

I confess...
I dont know how much more I can take.

I confess...
I wish so many things would have been better..and could be different.

I confess...
I wish he wasn't so far away.

I confess...
I just wanna be in his arms, no sexual stuff, just to be held and to hear
him say, "everything is alright"

I confess...
the more I think about it, the more I know it will never happen.

I confess...
i'm just tired and wanting to give up on just about everything.

I confess...
I'm not talking about on life, even though that sucks, so dont worry, I
aint trying to commit suicide or anything like that.

I confess...
I have to state that, bcuz the last time I said that, I was on a suicide
watch.

I confess...
no matter how bad things become, I will never try that again.

I confess...
I know someone always have it worse then I do, but that doesn't make me
feel better.

I confess...
I'mma stop here, bcuz i just need too...

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i give up..

i dont wanna care..

i just quit...

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Black Butterfly...

I so love this song..It has so many meanings for me.

Not only do I remember one of the first times I heard this song was at school when we were studying blacks in america. It was the ending song from a movie called "A Boy called King".
Even as a young person, this song just drew me in in a way, I couldn't even understand. I remember telling my dad that he has to find the song for me. So he went and got me the cassette tape. I was sooooooooooooooooo thrilled. I listened to the song just about everyday.

As I got a little older, I started to dream my own dreams. So I started relating the song to me. It gave me hope that I could do anything I wanted to do. Not just as a girl, or as a black person, but just because the sky is the limit.

Then it got even more personal.....

While you slept, the promise was unkept
But your faith was as sure as the stars
Now you're free, and the world has come to see
Just how proud and beautiful you are

It because more like an anthem for me.

"while I slept, the promise was unkept" -meaning all the stuff we went through, all the long nights of talking about our future and how we were gonna be this power couple doing the dang on thing....only because lies, and cheating, and hurting and beating....

"but your (mine) faith was as sure as the stars" - I believed in you, in us, for years, even with everything that was going on. even through the bloody noses, the black eyes, the constant "bitches" that I were.

"now you're (I'm) free, and the world has come to see" - this is the part I"m working on now.
To become the person, that I know I"m destined to be. to be happy, and free, and in love with a man that loves me back. For the world to see me, even after all the trials, tribulations and bull I endured in my life. I made it. I survived losing a son, my dad, people that were suppose to be there for me and love me. I've survived, heart ache and pain, almost on the brink of killing someone, trying to commit suicide 3...YES 3 times..I've survived an auto accident that almost claimed my life. I've survived being raped, being stabbed by my son's father. Being depressed..I'll just say I"m a true survivor.

"Just how proud and beautiful you (I) am" - This is the part I'm also working on. Allowing folks in my life that truly deserves to be here. To see what a beautiful person I am, not just on the outside, but on the inside. A friend through and through, through thin or thick, even in hot shit. A loyal person that loves unconditionally, no matter if I'm wronged or not. A person that's proud of the things I've accomplished. Proud that I was a fighter (even though sometimes I wanted to give up). This is my story, and if my struggles, and my hurt and pain can help JUST ONE person not have to go through what I suffered...then I dont believe it was all in vain.

Let the current lift your heart and send it soaring
Write the timeless message clear across the sky
So that all of can read it and remember when we need it
That a dream conceived in truth can never die
Butterfly

Cause now that you're free and the world has come to see
Just how proud and beautiful you are

Am I asking for too much???

I want a mate that will be my homey, lover, friend. Someone that will have my back no matter what, even when i fall short...i want to be with someone i can have back, no matter, someone that wants something outta life, someone i can grow old with

Someone not worried about if I make more money then him, someone that will not be intimidated because I am an independent woman, but knows he’s my help mate, he’s the head of our house hold and he’ll always be the man for me.

Someone that loves me and wont step on our vows to one another. (after all it’s death do us part, he’s gonna die or I”mma kill him..(because I only plan on doing it once).. Someone that we can talk to each other about anything, or communicate with one another without saying anything at all…

I want the fairy tale, the big house off the ocean, the 2.5 kids, and a dog (wel maybe a bird or a fish). Someone that I can just be happy with, even when he makes me want to ring his neck.

I want a man with street smarts, and book smarts. Not really looking for a thug, but someone that knows how to handle his business in whatever situation he’s put in. I want a strong, affectionate, loving, caring, sensitive man. One that isn’t afraid to let down his guard with me, bcuz he knows he got a woman that has his back, when he’s on top of the world or when he feels he’s doesn’t seem like he can go own because the struggles are getting to be too much.

I want someone that will make love to my mind body and soul?

I want the kind of relationship like my grandparents had, and my parents had. I want our kids to glance at us and see the gleam in my eyes when I look at my husband when he’s not looking. I want the type of mate that just knows me inside and out..and never have a doubt about our love…

I want the love that seems to not exist in most relationships now…

I'm pissed at you...(yup another song that inspired me to write)

All cried out...

All alone on a Sunday morning
Outside I see the rain is falling
Inside I'm slowly dying
But the rain will hide my crying, crying, crying
And you
Don't you know my tears will burn the pillow
Set this place on fire
'Cause I'm tired of your lie
All I needed was a simple "Hello"
But the traffic was so noisy that you could not hear me cry
(I) I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure,
My heart never knew such pain
(And you) You leave me so confused
Now I'm all cried out, over you.

Flash back...

to think i've met this perfect guy...(ha, at the age of 15, how in the hell do you even know what a great guy is)...
but things were fine in the beginning. I guess how some relationships all start out. I know relationships aren't easy...and they can be work...But being in a crazy ass relationship at so young of age. Is just insane.

But at this point, I dont even want to get all into it.

But I need to get this out...

After everything..even after all the shit you put me through, I still was willing to have your back. I was still willing to try to work things out. I believed in you. All the dreams and things we talked about. Maybe I was the dumb one...But I've let you hinder my growth for too long. I'm taking back all the power and control you had over my life.

YOU can not harm me any more. It stops here. I thought it stopped when we had dinner, but there were still some things that I still held on too. I'm letting it all go!!!

The song goes:

He'll take the pain away, I know
He'll take the pain away (x2)

Bridge:

Though you've been searchin for such a long time, Searchin for hope and some peace of mind,There's a friend who would step in on time,He'll take the pain away. He'll take the pain away.

I shouldn't have had to go through half the stuff I went through with you. Especially considering all that you and your mom went through. But none of that is important. I am so letting go for real. More then half my life, you've had control of me, because I was afraid of you. I'm not that timid teenager any more.

I'm mad at you. NOOO....I"m pissed off at you..Why wouldn't you love me like I loved you, instead of beating my ass. Why weren't you there when I needed you. Why wasn't I important to you.

Those are all questions I've asked for way to long Because they dont even matter. The point is...through your selfishness, through your beatings, through your down grading me, through your lack of respect for me...had me thinking that all men are the same.

Had me feelings like I wasn't worthy of anything. Had me thinking I wasn't good enough to be happy.

For years, I've worn a smile, but inside, I'd feel like crap. I couldn't sleep at night. Get into bullshit relationships, just because of YOU...But I guess I'm giving you too much credit...Because no matter what..I have to take some credit for giving you that control. I have to take the credit because I settled and thought things would get better. I have to take credit, because I could have left way before I did. But I choose to stay.

I gave you that control...I have you all that power lover me...but damnit, I'm taking it back...completely...It may not totally happen today...or tomorrow..but the process starts today.

No more sabotaging relationships with great people, thinking that if I let them get too close they will disappoint me or hurt me...NO more...it stops today.

I'm so pissed at you. for you to even have that nonchalant attitude after everything and to tell me FUCK me in my life.

But that's fine..FUCK ME...U've fucked over me way too long..even after I stopped dealing with you...those calls...those words..I hear them as if you said them yesterday.

So yeah, fuck me...but while you're fuckin me...make sure you're fuckin yourself....

How does it feel to never know your first born child? To know you had so many chances to see him, to try to do right, but because your hatred for me, you said fuck the both of us...How does it feel that you can NEVER get those 27 days back to do the right thing?

Is it your guilt that gets to you that you have to fuck with me???

Well guess what?? That is your bad. I know I tried to do the right things, even after I had in my head to not even tell you that you had a child on the way. I put aside everything you've done to me, and was willing to make sure my child didn't suffer and have to go without his dad. Even though, I could have kept that from you.

You know you always wanted to pin me as the bad person..But it doesn't matter. I know I did everything i could for you, for us...but I was nothing to you.

But it's okay. You will never be able to affect me the way you have in the past. You will never know just how much pain, heartache and misery you've caused me for the last several years.

and I dont even want you too...and I dont wish no ill-feelings toward you. I just hope that when you do find that chick that you love unconditionally, she doesn't treat you like shit. But you know, life has a way of coming back full circle. and it's true, that you reap what you sow..

and you've sown some very bad seeds, they will harvest...

i just wanna...

scream...


AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

NAW, IT DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BUT I DID GET IT OUT MY SYSTEM FOR THE MOMENT(EVERY SHORT MOMENT)..

Does everyone really deserve to be HAPPY????

So I was talking to my home girl. And the conversation came up about us wanting one another to be happy. And I know we genuinely wants happiness for one another. I think we both deserve it..

I think for me, so much has happened in the past that I just cant seem to totally let go, and just live for today. To just say, screw the past, not everyone is an ass hole...

you know, i'm always telling people how they cant let their past paralyze their present. But I am always the one that can give the greatest advice, but dont take heed to my own words (Yeah, I know I suck)...

But i truly think everyone deserves to be happy. But I also think we can hinder our happiness by the choices and decisions we make. Somethings I think and believe some of the choices I made in my past has hindered my totally happiness.

Yes, I have happy moments, but in the end...I'm still sad. I'm still depressed about some things, and I'm still searching for the pursuit of happiness.

So...blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I dont even wanna write on my on this damn subject....

(unfinished thoughts on happiness.) (damn, I suck)