No one understands me.. No one ever will..

No one understands…

Sometimes I feel like giving up!
Seems like my best just aint good enough
Lord if you hear me, ‘m calllin you!!
U do see, do you care all about what ‘m going through….

Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone
I’m just like a stranger so far from home
I feel like I’ve done all that I could do
Please LORD give me strength, I’m just tryin to make it through!!
(taken from Smokie Norful’s song… Understand)

Seems these words are ringing so loud to me lately.
No matter what I do, or say, or try..it’s just not good enough
No one will ever really understand me, or why I’m the way I am
And at this time, I don’t even care any more.

I’m the poisonous venom that snakes use to kill their prey
I’m seen as a mean, negative, heartless bitch just about every day.
Is it because I’m not always cheerful and happy?
Maybe it’s bcuz my views on life and most things are different from the norm.
But no one knows or can ever understand all of my storms

So I’m judged and everyone else but GOD is the jury.
At this point, it don’t even matter, my life is just so blurry.
At this point I don’t even care. And I wont even dare
Try to explain myself any more. This time I’m really giving up,

I was told friends pretend.
So I guess the few folks I let in
was just faking to like me
telling me what I want to hear
lending a false ear

But it’s okay, and life will go on with or without me.
I’m just tired of going through the motions, you see.
Happiness eludes me and I don’t care anymore
No one will ever begin to understand.

Why I’m the way I am,
Or the way I feel inside.
So I try to hide
But I cant
Bcuz it comes across as I’m a mean bitch
But truth is, if you actually get to the surface, you’ll see I’m not a witch
But it don’t matter any more
I give up, stayin to myself
It’s safer this way
Tired of tryin to explain myself
No one understands any ways.

Maybe it’s my fault
Bcuz I don’t let folks get close enough to get in too deep
But that’s to protect me, and maybe protect them too
See, I’ve living in a hell
But no one understands,
Bcuz they cant even tell
All they wanna do is yell.
Nora why are you this way
Was even called negative Nora by someone being a “friend”
But I know he just couldn’t comprehend
The person I am,

Well let me try to break it down a lil bit for you
I’ve been a childless mother for the last 13yrs, 9months
I am the reason my son died. I blame myself, but I’ll never tell why
I’m the reason my best friend Shelton was killed.
Because of my selfishness, I should have listened when he said he didn’t want to go skating.
If only I had just listened and stayed home or went to the movies like he wanted.
He’d still be here, well maybe.
I hear the bullets, I hear him telling me to come on, I feel him taking my hand and I see us running along with everyone else.
I no longer feel his hand in mine. I no longer see him,
Turn around, he’s on the ground
Layin on his stomach, blood every where.
That bullet wasn’t for him, but he was the only one shot
My best friend, is now gone because of me.

So all the bad things that has ever happened, I deserve them
The rape, the abusive, the unhappiness, and even chasing away those that I believe want to try to help me.
Those that care. Why would they or why should they care for me.
I just want to be left alone and not have to deal with any of this any more.
I want it to go away, but this pain I feel no one will ever understand.
And I’m not sure if I want them too.

See, I pick fights and do and say shit to make folks say, Nora, I’ve had enough.
So I put on the fake façade of being tough
Like I don’t care, but the truth is I do.
I just don’t know how to show it any more, so I just say, fine, I’m through, too
Sleepless nights
Cant sleep without a night light
Tired of all the fights.
Just want it to end
but there’s no need for a lengthy converstation
There’s nothing left to bare
a lonely heart can find no peace
and a fool’s paradise is no place I wanna be

……unfinished…..





*****Lyrics*****

I Understand
Sometimes I feel like giving up

It seems like my best just ain't good enough

Lord if you hear me, I'm calling you

Do you see, do you care all about what I'm going through

And then he says, one more day, one more step

See I'm preparing you for myself

And when you can't hear my voice, please trust my plan

I'm the Lord, I see and yes I understand

But sometimes I feel like I'm all alone

I'm just like a stranger so far from home

I feel like I've done all that I can do

Please Lord give me strength,

I'm just trying to make it through

That's when he told me one more day, one more step

See I'm preparing you for myself

And if you can't hear my voice, please trust my plan

I'm the Lord I see you and yes I understand

He knows how much we can bear

And in the time of trouble he promised he would always be there

I understand The Lord is telling you yes I understand I am the Lord

I see you and yes I understand

I am the Lord I changeth not

I won't forget nor have I forgot

You see every thing works according to my plan

I am God, trust me,

I got the whole world in my hand

One more day, one more step

I'm preparing you all for myself

And you can't hear me speaking, just trust my plan

I'm the Lord I see you and yes I understand

I'm the Lord I see and yes I understand

I am the Lord I see what you're going through

Every problem, every trial, every burden, every situation

I understand, I won't leave you I understand, understand, understand

SIGH....

SIGH...but i'm so glad it's over...

SIGH...but no longer will i have to cover

SIgh...the pain, the hurt and the tears

SIGH...too much time...so many years

SIGH...now how am I suppose to feel

SIGH...the man that abandoned me and my child had died

SIGH... why do i even care, when all he did was beat me and lied

SIGH... I refuse to be sad, but I cant help but to have these feelings...

SIGH...maybe now it's time for me to start healing...

SIGH...it's so hard for me to comprehend

SIGH...even after every thing, I cant help to care and even after he was never there

SIGH... I just want the pain, the hurt and the sorrow to end...

SIGH... no more tears, no more regrets

SIGH...I'll make the best of this, and live my life with no more frets

SIGH..when it comes to him and all the shit I endure

SIGH..is it wrong for me to think his death is just another way to lure me in

SIGH...I dont want to be bitter and I dont want to seem like a heartless bitch

SIGH...but I cant help it, bcuz I could care less if they buried your body in a ditch.

SIGH...I dont know what your mother and cousin was calling me for to tell me of this news

SIGH...because no matter what, I still lose

SIGH...I gave you so much power over my life

SIGH..when all I ever tried to do was be a good girlfriend, all I got was strife

SIGH…I cant forget all the black eyes, and the lies I told to my dad

SIGH…if he knew the truth…I was afraid, you’d get nothing but lead,

SIGH…from his rifle, or would he had of used his gun

SIGH…u beat his daughter, but how did it feel for you to have never saw your first born son

SIGH…I cant help but to be sad, and I’ve even shed a tear for you

SIGH..that’s what caring humans do

SIGH…but almost 14 yrs of our son’s passing.

SIGH..now the heartless, son of a bitch that was his father is gone, for good, EVERLASTING!!!

SIGH…but honestly, I hope you’re not going to HELL

SIGH…but I do regret not pressing charges and sending your ass straight to jail.

SIGH..but it’s okay, and I’ve lived to see better days….

SIGH. You tried to destroy me

SIGH…but through it all…I’m finally FREE


THIS is my final good bye to you… you really cant hurt me any more…



W.V.F. RIP

So I asked my friends to describe me...

but the catch was... they had to describe me in one word that starts with their initial of their first name....
and NO I didn't ask them why they give me those descriptions.
so here are some of the responses:

EWOK - I swear MIMI aint funny - tall yella chick! She never did give me a new word :hahaha:
Dwight - Daring
Shok - Short
Cherice - Caring
Robin - Rambunctious
Amanda - Angry - then she changed it to Amusing
Reggie - Real
Gerald - Gentle
Jeff - Justified
Sha - Sensitive
Diana - Dingy - this heffa right here.. hahaha - yes, i do have my blond moments
Kim - Kinky
Allen - Awesome
Brandon - balanced


most of them were on point.... i'm not angry, but i can be negative about some stuff.. but hey, my friends know me...so... i'll take it...

Question fo the weekend! Dec 20..

So last weekend, I asked, what would you do with a million dollars....

Most folks said, pay bills, take care of their mom, vacation, a few said TITHE!!!, invest, buy homes, cars,

U know the usual answers..

As for me:

Pay tithes
pay off all debt - credit cards- car- (those are the only creditors i have)
take a few of my friends on a week vacation to an undisclosed place
buy a home in the san antonio, or NC
send my mom and her 2 bffs on a month vacation
pay car insurance for a yr
go shopping... yes shoesssssssssssssssssssssssss
and maybe buy a foreclosed home or 2 - and rent them
and invest in an IRA

and give my family a big ass party - help a few of them with bills or give them a few bucks..

and after that - i'm sure it will be gone..


so that's what we'd do.. what about you.....

The Krazyness of Kawana

So I did a blog similiar to this before about a friend that has become a sister to me. Well as I sit here, trying to go to sleep, but cant; I thought I'd do a blog about another krazy chick in my life. Though not a sister by blood, but by hearts.

It takes a very special person to actually be able to get this close to me. And being a woman, it's even harder for me to open up too. Every one knows I have trust issues; however, this chick as krazy as she is, made it through that extra thick exterior wall and has become my friend...No my sister.

And the chick is for real krazy, but I think that's one of the reasons I love her. I've grown to love her and hope she really knows that and believes that when I tell her I love her and will always be there for her.

It funny because even though we are different, we've been through and experienced some of the same hurts and pains.

1. She lost her mother, I lost my father.
2. She was in an abusive relationship, so was I.
3. She has her personal struggles with trusting and opening up to people, and LORD knows I do.

But through those things, we've both been able to break down our barriers we have and have been able to become friends that love, respect and trust one another.

Though I still think there are still some barriers up...we are working hard to remove them day by day. And that's okay. After all, Noah didn't build the ark over night.

After the 3am phone calls, the heart to heart convos, the silly text messages, the tears, and the krazyness of Kawana, I believe we'll be okay for years to come.

Dang on it, I had in my mind to take a totally different approach to this blog. But I've noticed - once the pen hit the paper or I start to type, my mind follows the path it wants to.

Kawana, just know it's a joy having you a part of my life. With all the recent disappointments I had have (we have had), it's a pleasure to have someone that says they care and actually mean it.

I've never though I'd meet too many more girls that mean to me what my college PG crew means to me, but you and Rhonda have proven me wrong.

I just wish you love, peace and happiness throughout your years on this earth.

Here's to another 100 years more of Kawanaisms, Rhondaisms, and Noraisms.

Now wipe those tears out your eyes, you punk... :)

Love ya for life.

Nora!!!!

(GOTCHA)

Question of the weekend - 12-6-2008

Yes, I'm a little late, but last weekend's question was:
"WHEN DO YOU TRULY KNOW WHEN TO COMPLETELY LET GO?"

This question is personally motivated. I struggle in this area and find myself holding on to people and things that really dont mean me any good.

I received some great responses, so I"m going to list a lot of them here.

Stinky says: When it's doing you no good, let it go. Anything GOd gives you is good.

(got me to thinking, but when do you truly know when GOD gives you something, the devil is sneaky and wears many disquised hats).
Stinky replies again: If that person is meant to be in your life, then no matter what happens, they will be there. Pray for guidance. HE (GOD), will give you the desires of your heart.

Reggie in Cali says: When there is absolutely no chance, no matter what.

Tina says: Once I have had enough. My heart is way too valuable and precious to continually be misused and abused.

Aries says: when you keep stressing over it and it's driving you nuts.

Velvet says: when you lose you to get it.

Sylky says: when you lose a little bit of your sould, it'st ime to let it go.

Soulful says: when all Id o is stress or cry over the person. that lets me know it's unhealthy and time to let go. Letting go doesn't mean you have to forget or that you even will.

Dee says: when you are accomplishing nothing, it's time to let go.

Babii says: when you place them before GOD and your staart to lose yourself or do things outside of your character in a bad way. Or when after being with the person you have compromised, given and sacrified and find that you have nothing in return, haven't grown or taken anything away from their involvement in your life.

Sockie says: when it's more aggravation then good.

Kali says: when you are tired.

A few folks said depends on the person, thing or situation.

And lastly Rico: (he will be the person that will always have a voice on anything and everything and his ideas, ways and thoughts aren't always conventional). It just depends, like my mom or my daughter, even though my mom has wronged me and my daughter is a bad ass smart mouth, there is nothing either of them can do that will make me give up on them, unless they kill one another. If it's a chick I'm dealing with,and she's too negative, dont want nothing out of life, and aint trying to do shit, then she'll be dropped quick. If it's a nigga in the street, that has stole from me, lied to me, or jus the fact, I get a bad vibe from them, I aint goign to fuck with them a whole lot. If it's you Nora, I'mma just fuck ya short ass up and tell you to get a grip. (Yes, I dont know why he put me in it either. I'm damn near perfect. [wink]).

My thoughts:

I'm not sure I actually figured out that answer yet. iit seems I hold on even when I know the person or thing isn't doing any good being in my life. i hold on thinking something will change. that the person will realize that I care a great deal about them and will be there for them. Sometimes it's because some how a person creeped into my heart and i cant stop thinking about them or caring about them. more then likely, we've interacted on more then several occassions and i see they may be able to add something valuable to my life. i dont know i try to justify why i allow someone to stay in my life even after they have proved on more then one occasion they either dont want to be there or mean me no good.
Letting go is hard for me. But I am learning more and more it I truly want peace, I just have to do it.


Even though Brandon didn't answer the question, he asked me:
what d u think is stopping u from doing what u need to do?

My answer:
i think it's fear, not really wanting to, wanting them to be there for me like i have for them, there's many reasons i come up with for holding on.


That's our two cents: tell me about yours?

(F.Y.I> - My blog is set so anyone can post a comment. SO post away. Just be mindful and respectful. I would love to hear...well read your thoughts)

Question of the weekend - 12-13-2008

So I'm started this thing that I'm calling the Question of the weekend. This is where I text message friends in my phone on Saturday morning and give them a chance to respond. This quesition could represent either just a random silly question, a question that I may need help with or someone else may need help with, something that wil make you think, laugh, or maybe I'm just being nosy getting into their personal business. They can answer or not, I wont get mad. But I just like to get the different responsed. It shows just how different my friends are, but just how we all have something in common.

So I have decided to add the questions to my blog.



This weekend's question was;

WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE ALL THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE, BUT LIVE A SHORT UNHAPPY LIFE. OR LIFE AN AVERAGE HAPPY LONG LIFE?

Most of my friends said have a long happy aver life. I had a few that said the short finer things and be unhappy.

I will just quote 3 that stood out to me.

Dee says: "Like Mary J, I just want to be happy. GIve me the average happy life."

Dwight says: "I am happy with my life now. Getting what I want and living a nice happy life without worrying about materalistic things. Happy is the way to go."

Rico says: We're all going to die, so give me my mansion, cars, boats, jewelry, chicks now. I dont want to be 75 still struggling. I mean, how happy are you in debt, dont know where your next meal will come from and robbing Peter to pay Paul."

My thoughts on the matter:

I was

My thought:

I was torn for a minute. Because onne ssaid of me says, 10 out of 10 of us will die. So why not enjoy the finer things and dpending on how wealthy I am, I can try to buy happiness. who wants to be old and still living pay check to pay check.

But the other said of me says mone cant buy happiness, no matter how hard you try. And I do want to be happy. SO living a happy fulfilled average life with a few struggles and bumps in the road, may not be so bad.

That's our two cents: tell me about yours?


(F.Y.I> - My blog is set so anyone can post a comment. SO post away. Just be mindful and respectful. I would love ot hear...well read your thoughts)