long as survey..i started this on Sept 27 or something like that...

Saturday, September 27, 2008
longgggggggggggggggggg survey
TEN HOW'S:

How did you get one of your scars?
fallin on a pole outside, got a 4 inch scar on my leg..but I think it’s sexy… hahha

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
went home to MI, How are you feeling at this moment?blahhhhhhhhhhhhh

How did your night go last night?
cant remember, was in the dazes

How did you do in high school?
3.8 out of 4.o… u decide

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I’m not wearing on…

How often do you see ur best friend?
bf in MI – it’s been a while

Bf in Cali – a few months

Bf in MD – it’s been over a yr

How much money did you spend last month?
too much to even say….

How old do you want to be when you get married?
hopefully soon, I wont put an age on it..but I do want to be married

How old will you be at your next birthday?
33- tomorrow.. (sept 28..dang I remember in elementary thinking 33 is soooooooooo old..)


NINE WHAT'S:

Your mothers name?
Mamie

What did you do last weekend?
shop, go to movies, wash, stress,

What is the most important part of your life?
anyone that I love, me getting back to being totally happy, having peace of mind

What would you rather be doing?
chillin with HIM – plans didn’t work out like they were suppose too...should be in ___ right now…but oh well

What did you last cry over?
HIM – my life – changes – not being where I want and need to be in life.. wishing I was home – hell just a lot of stuff

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
music - it speaks to my soul
Shopping – shoes yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
honesty, relating to one another, understanding, sense of humor, passion,

What are you worried about?
oh gosh, how much bandwidth does this site hold..

What did you have for breakfast?
bacon and pancakes


EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:
Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
YEAH I HAVE

Have you ever had your heartbroken?
TOO MANY TIMES

Have you ever been out of the country?
YES

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
HELL YEAH JUST HAPPENS IN LIFE SOMETIMES

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
YEP..an ex..got the scar to prove it

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
NO, but that sounds like hella fun (would there be an audience) lmao

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
YES I HAVE

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
YES, when I was really into reading, now, everything is like blahhhhhhhhh plus who has time


SEVEN WHO’S:
Who was the last person you saw?
some kid running
Who was the last person you texted?
Brandon

Who was the last person you hungout with? other than work??
Lisa

Who was the last person to call you?
Sharon

Who did you last hug?
Lisa

Who is the last person who texted you?
Rhonda

Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?
my mom

SIX WHERE’S:
Where does your best friend live?
MI, MD, CA

Where did you last go?
Family Dollar

Where did you last hang out?
the mall

Where do you go to school?
finished school

Where is your favorite place to be?
either home chillin, or at the water, man, I miss being home…just to go to the river front, and relax, or the best ever Cali…being at the ocean… mannnnnnnnnnnnn, I so loved that….something about the water that relaxing me and calms me in a way, no one would understand

Where did you sleep last night?on the sofa


FIVE DO’S/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?
yeah, too much – and seems shit is all messed up between us

Do you think anyone likes you?
I know he does – shits just all messed up, I miss him so

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
yeah, in ATL

Do you know the muffin man?
is there a muffin man?????

Does the future scare you?
sometimes, but I feel whatever GOD has written for me, will be..so why stress over it much,

FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
bcuz they don’t judge, they understand me, we are able to agree to disagree, we may fight, cuss one another out, and not see eye to eye, but in the end, the love and bond we share will never cease..

Why did you get a myspace?
I was bored one day, and wanted to see what the hype was about
Why did your parents give you the name you have?
Iono…

Why are you doing this survey?
I don’t have a life..and I don’t feel like driving any where


THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be?
to make sure no kid is abused, raped, go hungry, and have the best education ever.. (what, that’s all under one, to protect kids at all cost)

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
I don’t think I would change anything…even with me wanted one thing (person) so much to be alive…I know GOD didn’t take Khalil to make me miserable

If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
HIM - giggle

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
cant say that I would, they are an ex for a reason

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
YEP

ONE LAST QUESTIONAre you happy with your life right now?
, but I am content, working to be happy and have peace of mind…

Scarred for life....

Scarred for life because of you
And all the shit you put me through
you tried to hurt me, even kill me too
but your plans were doomed
bcuz it wasn’t in God’s plan for me you see.

Did it make u feel like a big man
Hitting the mother of your child,
But help me understandDid it give you a sense of brotherhood.
Did I make u feel misunderstood. Did you see the black eyes you left behind

You beat my ass, but still I wanted to find.
Love in you, because my dumb ass thought
Things would be okay, and you’re love was true.
Why do we tell ourselves that, after every hit to the face.
You’re just a disgrace. You put me through a lot,

Made me bury our 27 day old son alone
Crying in the night, wanting you to just be here for me
I loved you with my whole soul, you didn’t didn’t want to see.
But it’s okay, and it’s over nowYou can no longer hurt me
I don’t blame you for everything that went wrongI played my part too.

See, I allowed you to hit me,
I allowed you to lieI played the victim, when I could have gotten away
But when you love someone like I loved youIt’s hard to just walk away.
I thought we’d be able to work things throughBut it was only an illusion,
I woke up one day.

Realized you were no good for me
Realized you were everything I didn’t want in a man
Once I decided to say enough was enough
You wasn’t having it, so you played rough
But it wasn’t a game.
It was my life you wanted

So now I’m scarred for life
Not just emotional..but physical and mental.
You took matters into your own handsAnd tried to kill me that day
It was then, that I knew I had to walk away
You’ll never know just how much I hated you

But how I hated myself for staying with you, too
They say what doesn’t kill us, only makes us strongerIn many ways,
I have to agree, the longer I stayedThe stronger I became
Got the courage to get help and walk away.
Finally, I see brighter daysIt wasn’t easy

And boy did I have some battles to fight
But I endured through it, battled with all my might
See, I’m not that timid lil girl any more
You can no longer bully meAnd I go hiding.
But you know, none of that matter now.

The battle is over, and the war is mine
You use to beat my ass, even stabbed me too
But no more can u hurt me. I’ve become the woman you didn’t want me to be
I’m victorious over you, you see
Even though you put me through a lot of mystery and strife.
And forever,

I will beScarred for life…

__________SONG LYRICS__________

We walked along the beach
What a moon lit night
He held my hands in his
He kissed me he said
I wanna spend my life with you
I want you for my wifeJust then I thought
Chorus:What about the times you lied to me
What about the times you said no one would want me
What about all the shit you've done to me
What about that
What about that
What about the times you yelled at me
What about the times I cried
You wouldn't even hold me
What about those things
What about that
What about that
I took a pause
And then a deep sigh
He looked right into my eyes
As he said
I know I didn't say somethin' wrong
I didn't have the courage to say
But then I thoughtRepeat
ChorusOhChorus 2:
What about the times you hit my face
What about the times you kept on when I said
No more please
What about those things
What about that
What about that
oh
What about the times you shamed me
What about the times when you said you didn't fuck her
She only gave you head
What about that
What about that
Don't wanna live my life in misery
Don't tell me you did it 'cause you love me
I don't believe
I'm sick and tired
Your deceptive games
Wonder where you have been
I can't live life wondering
My heart was poundin'
But the time had come
To stop lettin' my whisperin' heart control me
And tellin' my screamin' mind what to do
I looked him straight in the eye
And then I said
Repeat Chorus
Repeat Chorus 2
Repeat Chorus
Repeat Chorus 2

gotta find me a peace of mind.

Ever just think about shit in ur life, and just wanted paece from it all..I know I have. hell, I know i do..this song is really just explaining how I feel right now...

I've been searching for peace for so long, I think it's time that I just finally find it...

_____SONG LYRICS_______

I Gotta Find Peace Of Mind" by: Lauren Hill



I gotta find peace of mindI know another cord...
I gotta find peace of mind
See, this what that voice in your head says
When you try to get peace of mind...
I gotta find peace of mind,
I gotta find peace of mind
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says there's no me without him, please help me forget about him
He takes all my energy, trapped in my memory
Constantly holding me, constantly holding me
I need to tell you all, all the pain he's caused, mmmm
I need to tell I'm, I'm undone because, mmmm
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says it's impossible without him, but I know it's possible
To finally be in love, and know the real meaning of
A lasting relationship, not based on ownership
I trust every part of you, cuz all that I...
All that you say you doYou love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myself
I just can't believe that you, would have anything to do
With someone so insecure, someone so immature
Oh you inspire me, to be the higher me
You made my desire pure, you made my desire pure
Just tell me what to say, I can't find the words to say
Please don't be mad with me, I have no identity
All that I've known is gone, all I was building on
I don't wanna walk with you, how do I talk to you
Touch my mouth with your hands, touch my mouth with your hands
Oh I wanna understand, the meaning of your embrace
I know now I have to face, the temptations of my past
Please don't let me disgrace, where my devotion lays
Now that I know the truth, now that it's no excuse
Keeping me from your love, what was I thinking of?
Holding me from your love, what was I thinking of?
You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behind
You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behind
He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible
He says it's improbable, but I know it's tangeable
He says it's not grabbable, but I know it's haveable
Cuz anything's possible, oh anything is possible
Please come free my mind, please come meet my mind
Can you see my mind, ohWon't you come free my mind?
Oh I know it's possible
Anything, anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeey
Anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeey
Anything, anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeey
Oh free! Free, free, free your mind
Free, free your mind... free, free your mind
Free, free, free, free your mind
Oh, it's so possible, oh it's so possible
I'm telling you it's possible, I'm telling you it's possible
Free, free... free, free... free, free... get free now
Free, free... free, free, free, free... free, free
You're my peace of mind, that old me is left behind
You're my peace of mind, you're my peace of mind
He's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mind
He's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mind
What a joy it is to be alive
To get another chance, yeah
Everyday's another chance
To get it right this time
Everyday's another chance
Oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God
Oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God
[Repeat till fade]

"My Life Is In Your Hands"

Ok, so lately, I’ve been a feeling a little down. And was listening to this gospel mix cd I made, and this song came on. As you can see, I can find a song for just about any situation. Any mood I’m in. Through music, I’m able to express myself in a way I cant always do.

But this song got me to thinking and reflecting about my life…past, present and future.

Well lets reflect a little about the past. I will make it short and just point out with bullets some of the major life experiences, that has helped shape me to be the person I am today.

• I’ve been raped
• I’ve been stabbed by a man that swore he loved me
• I’ve been lied to, lied on, and I’ve lied about many things, even who I was once before
• I hated my life and everything about it
• I had low self esteem
• I was about 100lbs heavier then I am now, even though I still have some pounds to shed
• I have lost a child
• My best child hood friend died in my arms from being shot right in front of me
• I was depressed lonely, dazed and confused
• I’ve attempted suicide 3 different times
• I once lost my faith in people, in GOD, and in myself

Ok, this is making me depressed. But my past is apart of me. And though it hasn’t been pretty, it is what it is. My past helped shape me to be the sometimes negative person those that I talk too see. My past helped shape me to be the positive person some of you see. My past helped shaped me to be the person that you can come to, and I’ll be honest with you and not sugar coat shit. I’ll tell you what I feel about whatever. And if you come to me with a problem, issue or concern; you know you’ll get the honest answer out of me. No more lies, no more drama. Just straight up, no catcher. I don’t try to hurt folks feelings with the things I say, but if you and I call one another friends, then you already know that about me. My past made me the person that loves very hard once you are in my life. Be it for any type of relationship. But it takes a lot to get in my life, to get that close to me. But once you’re in, you’re in. Even if we don’t talk any more, the love I’ve had for you, is still there. It’s just that I saw fit to not include you in my every day life any longer.

I dont even know how my life went into such a downward spiral. I guess putting all of my faith into a man, that gave less then 2 shits about me. Believing in a doomed relationship from the start. Holding on to someone that only beat my ass. Caring more about someone and being in a relationship, then I cared for myself. Not wanting to be lonely, unloved and alone.

But my past, no matter how ugly…it was what it was…and ‘m still here.. Because my life is in GOD’s hands…and only HE can put an expiration date on my life…

On to my present…

Well, today, my days are not as dark as they once were. I believe I still have a lot of growing today, still trying to really find myself, and my place in life. I don’t know what God has in store for my life. But even through trying to kill myself. Even though being depressed for years, and blaming myself for so many things. I’m still here. I’m still going strong. The low self esteem is no more. I love myself, more and more every day. And I don’t think I’m such a bad person, even though I have done some bad things. I don’t make excuses for myself, because there were many people that tried to help me alone the way. But it was me that had the pity party, and didn’t listen to them. But I’m taking heed now. Because no matter how bad something else, it’s not always about how it got that way. It’s about how you handle the situation. I handled many things horribly and some things, I just decided not to deal with. And not handling as a way to deal, was one of the worse things I could have done. But I’m dealing with them now. And coming to some harsh realities in my life. I was a mess. I don’t know any other way to describe it, but I was a mess. But…today…I’m not as much of a mess as before. I’m dealing with the things I choose to hinder my life.

Some things are not pretty to deal with. Some things make me have to relive some of the pains I tried to run from. But, I’ve decided, if I don’t deal with them now, they will forever hinder my life. And I don’t want that. I cant really have any kind of healthy relationships, be it friendships or other wise, if I don’t handle this stuff now.

I know I’m not always the most positive person, and I can be damn near impossible to deal with, especially if you haven’t taken the time to really try to know me. If I’ve given you the chance to. You know, I didn’t to be this way over night, and it’s going to take some time. But I am working on the negativity. I am working on not shutting people out of my life. Not allowing one bad thing to handle, and I say, “screw this”, because I feel that if you let me down once, you’ll always do it.

I’ve had many disappointments in my life. I’ve lost many people that I love, through death, through disagreements, by chance. And there aren’t many folks in my life now that I feel that I can really count on. But the ones that are here, I’m grateful too. I know it’s not easy dealing with me. I know I have some hang ups about me. But I’m a work in progress.

I hope you continue this journey with me. Bcuz it will be well work the ride.


My future…

I have no idea what’s in store for me. I know I want to get married one day. I want to have a child or two.

I know I’m afraid of the unknown.

I know one day, the nightmares will stop, and I’ll be able to get a good’s night sleep.

But whatever my future holds. I know I’ll be the best person that I can be. No more esteem issues. No more lies, No more feeling sorry for myself.

Just living a healthy, happy, productive life.

And no matter what may come my way..

MY LIFE IS IN GOD’s HANDS….

_______Song Lyrics______

My Life is in YOUR Hands

You don't have to worry
And don't you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning
Troubles they don't last always
For there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say
OhI know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
So when your tests and trials
They seem to get you down
And all your friends and loved ones
Are nowhere to be found
Remember there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if you heart is brokenJust lift your hands and say
OhI know that I can make itI know that
I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your handsWith Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands

You pulled me through..

Ok, so I’m sitting here listening to a lot of music… and this song came up in the play list, and since I’m in a writing mood, and this song reminds me so much of someone that even though I put him through a lot, he’s showed me what a real friend is. He showed me that he cared, even when I tried to push him away, when I tried to make him hate me, because at the time I hated myself. And even though things are totally different from before, it’s okay. I so still appreciate this man.

It’s hard when you only doubt yourself, don’t love yourself and want to just be someone else. It’s hard to see the rainbow from all the rain and storms. This person has been around for about damn near a decade, and through all the lying and deceit on my part. He still remained true to trying to be a friend to me.

It hasn’t been easy, and sometimes I don’t even feel worthy of him still calling me his friend. Even though we don’t talk as much now and things are so different. I’m amazed he’s still around through everything. He’s one amazing man…or maybe a little crazy. I don’t know. But I so appreciate him.

This man has put up with so much of my negativity and crap. When you don’t love yourself, it’s hard to imagine that someone else can even care a little bit about you. So even though he showed he cared, I didn’t really notice or take heed to him or the caring, or him extending out his hand to help me. I lost site of a lot of things, and he tried to show me the brightest side.

But he did and I know he still cares. Maybe not like before, and I don’t blame him. I didn’t always listen to him. I didn’t always do right by him, and once I decided too, I knew it was too little to late. So much damage, lies, distrust, deceit, from my part…sometimes you just cant go back. No matter how hard you try, the damage is done.

But I thank this man, because, he tried to show me what a real man is suppose to be. He showed me no matter what I’m going through, nothing should be as bad as I made them. I do know a lot of my decisions made my life harder then what it had to be. I could have taken that negative energy and put something positive. I could have made a lot of different choices that could have benefited me, instead of letting my circumstances hinder me and my actions.

He put up with a lot. He’s a great guy. Even with his cut throat words that can sometimes cut deeper then any knife. He’ll always have a special place in my heart. He’ll always mean a great deal to me. I’ll always love him. And I’m forever grateful to him.

Even though some things I’m still working on, and my past has shaped my mind to make me feel that everyone is out for something and it’s not always a good thing. I’m a work in progress. I don’t hate myself any more. And I’m learning to forgive me, for everything in the past. For hurting people that truly care for me.

You made me do something I always avoided doing. You made me look in the mirror at myself. I didn't like anything I saw. I turned into this person I didn't know. I turned into someone I didn't like, even with me not loving myself, and blaming myself for alot of things that happened to me, feeling sorry for myself, having low self esteem. You made me look at myself and deal with ME... It was a hard reality to come too. It was hard facing the truth about me. I wasn't the woman you needed or wanted, because I couldn't be the woman I needed for me to be. I couldn't look myself in the mirror for a very long time. It was easier pretending everything was okay in the world, pretending like someone else, pretending my life was A-okay. When it reality it was a mess. I was a mess. I had to deal and face ME..the hardest person that there was to face. Telling you the totaly truth after everything was easy, compared to having to look myself in the eye in the mirror and coming to grips with my truth. My life..my pain...my loss, the storms...It wasn't an easy task. but the song tells it all... It's how I feel. I was really in the darkness. I was so confused.. but you..oh you... you pulled me through....

You’ve been one of the few that truly tried to understand me and never gave up on me. You’ve taught me a lot, and even though I didn’t take heed to everything you’ve told me over the years right then. I did listen. And I’m learning.

I just want to thank you for every thing. You mean a lot to me.

I love you….MVS….

And I always will…

­________________SONG LYRICS________________

You pulled me through…by Jennifer Hudson

I was in the darkness
I was out in the cold
Seems nothing could heal this…
This hole in my soul
You reached out your arms to me
Held out your heart to me
Pulled me back from the edge
Thought I’ve reached the edge

When I was drowning
When I was so confused
You…you…you pulled me through
I was in the shadows
Lost..nothing left to lose
You..you..you pulled me through

You gave my faith back
Faith was so hard to find
You gave me my life back
You were my life line
The love that you gave me,
Is love that has saved me
Your strength is what made me strong
You held me and I held on..

When I was drowning
When I was so confused
You…oh you…you pulled me through
I was in the shadows
Lost..nothing left to lose
You... oh you...you pulled me through

Out of the dark
Into your arms
Into the light
Your love saved my life

When I was drowning
When I was so confused
You…oh you. You pulled me through

When I was drowning..
I was so confused
You..oh you… you pulled me through