Shopping is like any other drug...it allows me to escape from the everyday stresses and bull of my life..but after that high is gone, those same stresses and bull are still there....but...
Writing soothes my soul. And allows me to express myself when conversations just wont do...
(just like shopping and writing... music soothes my soul..and takes me to a place of temporary comfort...)
but the catch was... they had to describe me in one word that starts with their initial of their first name.... and NO I didn't ask them why they give me those descriptions. so here are some of the responses:
EWOK - I swear MIMI aint funny - tall yella chick! She never did give me a new word :hahaha: Dwight - Daring Shok - Short Cherice - Caring Robin - Rambunctious Amanda - Angry - then she changed it to Amusing Reggie - Real Gerald - Gentle Jeff - Justified Sha - Sensitive Diana - Dingy - this heffa right here.. hahaha - yes, i do have my blond moments Kim - Kinky Allen - Awesome Brandon - balanced
most of them were on point.... i'm not angry, but i can be negative about some stuff.. but hey, my friends know me...so... i'll take it...
So last weekend, I asked, what would you do with a million dollars....
Most folks said, pay bills, take care of their mom, vacation, a few said TITHE!!!, invest, buy homes, cars,
U know the usual answers..
As for me:
Pay tithes pay off all debt - credit cards- car- (those are the only creditors i have) take a few of my friends on a week vacation to an undisclosed place buy a home in the san antonio, or NC send my mom and her 2 bffs on a month vacation pay car insurance for a yr go shopping... yes shoesssssssssssssssssssssssss and maybe buy a foreclosed home or 2 - and rent them and invest in an IRA
and give my family a big ass party - help a few of them with bills or give them a few bucks..
So I did a blog similiar to this before about a friend that has become a sister to me. Well as I sit here, trying to go to sleep, but cant; I thought I'd do a blog about another krazy chick in my life. Though not a sister by blood, but by hearts.
It takes a very special person to actually be able to get this close to me. And being a woman, it's even harder for me to open up too. Every one knows I have trust issues; however, this chick as krazy as she is, made it through that extra thick exterior wall and has become my friend...No my sister.
And the chick is for real krazy, but I think that's one of the reasons I love her. I've grown to love her and hope she really knows that and believes that when I tell her I love her and will always be there for her.
It funny because even though we are different, we've been through and experienced some of the same hurts and pains.
She lost her mother, I lost my father.
She was in an abusive relationship, so was I.
She has her personal struggles with trusting and opening up to people, and LORD knows I do.
But through those things, we've both been able to break down our barriers we have and have been able to become friends that love, respect and trust one another.
Though I still think there are still some barriers up...we are working hard to remove them day by day. And that's okay. After all, Noah didn't build the ark over night.
After the 3am phone calls, the heart to heart convos, the silly text messages, the tears, and the krazyness of Kawana, I believe we'll be okay for years to come.
Dang on it, I had in my mind to take a totally different approach to this blog. But I've noticed - once the pen hit the paper or I start to type, my mind follows the path it wants to.
Kawana, just know it's a joy having you a part of my life. With all the recent disappointments I had have (we have had), it's a pleasure to have someone that says they care and actually mean it.
I've never though I'd meet too many more girls that mean to me what my college PG crew means to me, but you and Rhonda have proven me wrong.
I just wish you love, peace and happiness throughout your years on this earth.
Here's to another 100 years more of Kawanaisms, Rhondaisms, and Noraisms.
Now wipe those tears out your eyes, you punk... :)
Yes, I'm a little late, but last weekend's question was: "WHEN DO YOU TRULY KNOW WHEN TO COMPLETELY LET GO?"
This question is personally motivated. I struggle in this area and find myself holding on to people and things that really dont mean me any good.
I received some great responses, so I"m going to list a lot of them here.
Stinky says: When it's doing you no good, let it go. Anything GOd gives you is good.
(got me to thinking, but when do you truly know when GOD gives you something, the devil is sneaky and wears many disquised hats). Stinky replies again: If that person is meant to be in your life, then no matter what happens, they will be there. Pray for guidance. HE (GOD), will give you the desires of your heart.
Reggie in Cali says: When there is absolutely no chance, no matter what.
Tina says: Once I have had enough. My heart is way too valuable and precious to continually be misused and abused.
Aries says: when you keep stressing over it and it's driving you nuts.
Velvet says: when you lose you to get it.
Sylky says: when you lose a little bit of your sould, it'st ime to let it go.
Soulful says: when all Id o is stress or cry over the person. that lets me know it's unhealthy and time to let go. Letting go doesn't mean you have to forget or that you even will.
Dee says: when you are accomplishing nothing, it's time to let go.
Babii says: when you place them before GOD and your staart to lose yourself or do things outside of your character in a bad way. Or when after being with the person you have compromised, given and sacrified and find that you have nothing in return, haven't grown or taken anything away from their involvement in your life.
Sockie says: when it's more aggravation then good.
Kali says: when you are tired.
A few folks said depends on the person, thing or situation.
And lastly Rico: (he will be the person that will always have a voice on anything and everything and his ideas, ways and thoughts aren't always conventional). It just depends, like my mom or my daughter, even though my mom has wronged me and my daughter is a bad ass smart mouth, there is nothing either of them can do that will make me give up on them, unless they kill one another. If it's a chick I'm dealing with,and she's too negative, dont want nothing out of life, and aint trying to do shit, then she'll be dropped quick. If it's a nigga in the street, that has stole from me, lied to me, or jus the fact, I get a bad vibe from them, I aint goign to fuck with them a whole lot. If it's you Nora, I'mma just fuck ya short ass up and tell you to get a grip. (Yes, I dont know why he put me in it either. I'm damn near perfect. [wink]).
My thoughts:
I'm not sure I actually figured out that answer yet. iit seems I hold on even when I know the person or thing isn't doing any good being in my life. i hold on thinking something will change. that the person will realize that I care a great deal about them and will be there for them. Sometimes it's because some how a person creeped into my heart and i cant stop thinking about them or caring about them. more then likely, we've interacted on more then several occassions and i see they may be able to add something valuable to my life. i dont know i try to justify why i allow someone to stay in my life even after they have proved on more then one occasion they either dont want to be there or mean me no good. Letting go is hard for me. But I am learning more and more it I truly want peace, I just have to do it.
Even though Brandon didn't answer the question, he asked me: what d u think is stopping u from doing what u need to do?
My answer: i think it's fear, not really wanting to, wanting them to be there for me like i have for them, there's many reasons i come up with for holding on.
That's our two cents: tell me about yours?
(F.Y.I> - My blog is set so anyone can post a comment. SO post away. Just be mindful and respectful. I would love to hear...well read your thoughts)
So I'm started this thing that I'm calling the Question of the weekend. This is where I text message friends in my phone on Saturday morning and give them a chance to respond. This quesition could represent either just a random silly question, a question that I may need help with or someone else may need help with, something that wil make you think, laugh, or maybe I'm just being nosy getting into their personal business. They can answer or not, I wont get mad. But I just like to get the different responsed. It shows just how different my friends are, but just how we all have something in common.
So I have decided to add the questions to my blog.
This weekend's question was;
WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE ALL THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE, BUT LIVE A SHORT UNHAPPY LIFE. OR LIFE AN AVERAGE HAPPY LONG LIFE?
Most of my friends said have a long happy aver life. I had a few that said the short finer things and be unhappy.
I will just quote 3 that stood out to me.
Dee says: "Like Mary J, I just want to be happy. GIve me the average happy life."
Dwight says: "I am happy with my life now. Getting what I want and living a nice happy life without worrying about materalistic things. Happy is the way to go."
Rico says: We're all going to die, so give me my mansion, cars, boats, jewelry, chicks now. I dont want to be 75 still struggling. I mean, how happy are you in debt, dont know where your next meal will come from and robbing Peter to pay Paul."
My thoughts on the matter:
I was
My thought:
I was torn for a minute. Because onne ssaid of me says, 10 out of 10 of us will die. So why not enjoy the finer things and dpending on how wealthy I am, I can try to buy happiness. who wants to be old and still living pay check to pay check.
But the other said of me says mone cant buy happiness, no matter how hard you try. And I do want to be happy. SO living a happy fulfilled average life with a few struggles and bumps in the road, may not be so bad.
That's our two cents: tell me about yours?
(F.Y.I> - My blog is set so anyone can post a comment. SO post away. Just be mindful and respectful. I would love ot hear...well read your thoughts)
Artist: Tramaine Hawkins lyrics Album: I Never Lost My Praise Year: 2007 Title: I Never Lost My Praise Print Correct
Send "I Never Lost My Praise" Ringtone to your Cell
Lyrics to I Never Lost My Praise : I've lost some good friends along life's way Some loved ones departed in heaven to stay But thank God I didn't lost everything I've lost faith in people who said they cared In time of my crisis they were never there But in my disappointment, in my season of pain One thing never wavered, one thing never changed
I never lost my hope, I never lost my joy I never lost my faith But most of all, I never lost my praise
My praise still here, My praise still here
I've let some blessings slip away When I lost my focus and went astray But thank God I didn't lost everything I lost possessions that were so dear I lost some battles walking in fear But in the midst of my struggles, in my season of pain One thing never wavered, one thing never changed
I never lost my hope, I never lost my joy I never lost my faith But most of all, I never lost my praise
Praise, Praise, Praise, Praise, Praise Most of all, I never lost my praise
I'm sad today realizing that I may truly lose someone I care about for the unteenth time, but nothing i can do.
I'm sad today realizing that no matter how hard I try, some folks will never understand me and never be able to accept me for who I am.
I'm sad today because even though Stinky made some very valid points, I dont know how to let it.
I"m sad today tears are screaming down my face - and they wont stop. Why do I always end up being the bad guy and losing out.
I'm sad today because I realize there may never be peace with you and I.
I'm sad today because you make it seem like letting go - is easy as making mud. It's not something I just picked up over night - and it' s not going to be easy to just let go.
I'm sad today bcuz these burdens are so heavy. And the one person that I want to understand and be there - cant.
I'm sad today - because no matter how much I try - no matter what I do- happiness never really comes.
I'm sad today - because when I think of Khalil. I dont see his face as clearly as before. I cant hear is faint smile as I did 13 yrs ago.
I'm sad today - because I want my daddy - but Dec 2nd was the 3rd yr anniversary of his death.
I'm sad today - because some of the questions I need answering - may never be answered.
I'm sad today - bcuz the snow wont go away.
I'm sad today - bcuz I dont know how to become truly happy. My happiness left in '95 when I lost the one gift GOD gave me just to take him away 27 days later.
I replay that question over and over and hear you say, "Nora, I'm not sure, I dont know!" How can you not know?
Seems hurting my feelings is the new in thing for you.
We have chemistry, just seems we cant tune it in to work for us, only against us. :(
How can it be fixed??? (Oh,I've said that already - but I really want to know)
What do you want from me???? What do you expect from me?
You say you want me to be myself - but you cant really accept me for me! WHY????
Why cant I stop thinking about you???
I know you care...maybe more then you want to.
I wish the weekend could have turned out differently.
Maybe one day, we'll be able to do it over and get it right....maybe...
Our fate lies in your hands. I'll fall back, and if I never hear from you again, then Iguess I got my answer...and that's that.
Falling asleep in your arms was really nice.
Seems like after the first big argument, we just haven't been back on track.
I really dont want to lose you or your friendship. :(
I miss my early morning text messages from you.
I hope you dont decide to give up on me...on us!
I am willing to meet you half way...but I cant be the only one that wants this to work. I cant be the only one that is working at getting things right. I just cant do it alone.
You once said I am worth it...our friendship is worth saving. Do you still mean it?
I know my past play a big part in my actions. It is hard for me...because of so many reasons...but I am trying hard not to let those things hinder my future.
I need a little patience from you. You even admitted yourself you're too hard on me.
Please dont give up on me.
I am talking as if we've just broken up or something. But truth is...losing your friendship is probably worse than losing you as a man...my man. I value you that much. You mean a lot to me...your friendship means a lot to me.
Even though I dont alwas open up to you when you'd like for me to; I do open up to you. Most times more then I do folks I've known way longer then you.
I just want our friendship back.
I am so sorry for my part in this whole mess.
I believe in you. I believe this friendship is worth saaving. I hope you do too.
I want my friend back - WHAT MUST I DO???
part 2...
So I started writing this blog a few days ago - and more came to me...so here it is...
Why does it always seem that I care more about someone than they do for me?
My past does play a big part in how I am now. I know it's effed me up something bad - with being afraid to open up, to trust, to love. I do see more and more it really does hinder my growth as a person, a friend, a mate, daughter, sister, aunt.
I want to change, but I've been this Nora for as long as I can remember. It's how I protect myself from being hurt. But that defense mechanism doesn't always work. I try not to let folks get close to me. But seems somehow, every blue moon, someone slip through that brick wall that I have built for over 15 years to protect me. And letting my guard down only gets me hurt in the end.
But it's not allows just them. I know I am not an easy person to get along with. So I take responsibility and admit to my part in all the apin I endure.
I dont always like the Nora I've become. But I dont know how to be any other Nora.
And it hurts to feel like someone I care so much about. Someone that I've accepted for whom he is (even the stuff, I dont like) - but why cant or wont accept me for who I am and always judging me.
I just want you to accept me for me and stop judging me.
I know you have good intentions and you mean well. and I believe you truly care. There is a method to your madness. But your ways are counter-productive when it comes to me.
It scares me sometimes because I recall some of the stuff I went through with my son's father when dealing with you.
Not in the since I think you'd ever hit me, but some of the verball stuff hurts way more than any fist could ever. (and it's not about cussing me out..bcuz you dont do that and I dont believe you ever will - it's just some of the things you say)...I dont know..
I just want to be happy. I just want you to be happy as well. Maybe we aren't meant to be a couple...but does the friendship have to end also?
I am working on me. Here I am 33 years old. No living babies, no husband, not really content with my life. Even though it's not a bad one. It's just not what I expected it to be at 33.
I want a family. I want a husband, a child or 2. A home, maybe off the lake. I want to be ablet o raise our children together, go on vacations, have each others back through thick and thin, spoil our grandbabies, grow old together and be happy.
Then I come back to reality that may never happen for me. Maybe I am the horrible person you make me feel I am and dont deserve to be happy.
Maybe it will never happen for me and I'm destined to be alone and unhappy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be loved.
I just want to be a wife...a mother and have a family
Is that too much to ask for?
I know relationshipships are not easty. Be it friendship...dating...marriage. And it takes alot of hard work, patience, comunication, understanding, relativity and LOVE.
I'm willing to work and give someone 100% of me. Just dont seem it will ever happen...not for me anyways...
Thanks for giving me a hand in coming to the realization of -
Thinking at least our friendship meant something to you
But I see I was wrong – bcuz your actions told me the truth
But it’s all good, I’m use to being hurt.
So this sadness I feel is nothing new.
It is what it is…but now I see.
This is why I learned a long time ago
To think with my gut, and fuck what my heart tells me
The heart lies and makes you think something is, but deep down –
My gut is telling me this could never be.
Yeah, we’re different, but it seemed as if we could balance each other out so well
But what the hell…
Was I thinking – I wasn’t something you wanted.
Just wanted me to believe our friendship was true.
But after this weekend, I see clearly now..
But cant help but to continue to ask myself just how
How could you treat me as if I was nothing.
Good thing I had a way out - a friend that cares
And made sure to it – I got just where I needed to go
My mom always told me to have an exit plan,
Bcuz most folks will show me that I cant depend on them – especially if they are a man.
But damn, just WOW – it didn’t’ even phase you that I left
Why even agree to the weekend –
Never thought it would turn out the way it did
But I knew that the weekend would be the defining factor for us.
Too bad that it had to end this way.
But fuck it – I’m numb to hurt, pain and the tears have ran dry.
But just damn, you said you care…
But your actions tells me that’s a lie. And you’ll never be there
The way that I need you too. But again it’s all good. That’s just life in the hood.
You know it’s funny – bcuz I told myself I wouldn’t get caught up in the bullshit, fuckery of a man again.
But look at my dumb ass – let my feelings take me to a place - that right now I just cant even comprehend.
Thinking you were different – but you’re just like all the rest of the men.
Don’t get it twisted – I knew from the jump – we were only friends – or so I thought.
I don’t have things wrong – just let my feelings for you – dictate my actions and I let my guard down.
Only to turn around and look like the circus clown.
But you want to know what’s wrong – lets start from Friday.
I felt myself shutting down from that first comment you made in the car.
Nora, I don’t have no alcohol – I know how bad you want a drink and pass out on the bench.
See, you always talk about how negative I am – but fail to look at yourself.
You sit and judge anything that you don’t agree with.
Aint that a bitch –
Why couldn’t you just accept me for me – just like I accepted you for you.
Yes, it’s shit I didn’t like about you – but the things that I did out shadowed anything I didn’t like. So it wasn’t a big deal.
But you made it known on more the 50 occasions just how much you hate my negativity.
Sad part – I’ve only been me. But you’re so busy pointing out all the negative shit you didn’t like. – what does that really say about you???
But what about the things you liked?? Or was there any at all?
But it don’t matter – this weekend was the fall –
Of any friendship – relationship or anything else I could have ever wanted from you.
I thought you liked me – but I see that wasn’t true.
But oh well – what’s done is done.
And yes – I regret everything that happened.
I should have stayed my black ass home –just like my gut said.
But every time I don’t listen – I always fuck myself –
Oh well – just damn – it’s over now.
Then on to Saturday –
That was a good day – we had fun – went to the movies –
Was able to laugh and joke about a few things.
Just how things should have went the entire weekend.
But I guess that could happen only in a perfect world.
Ha – even tore me – but the rip you left on my heart
Will never heal.
Damn, why did I have to feel
These things for you – why did I care, when u showed me I meant nothing to you.
Oh well – just damn –
I know I’ll get over it one day –
You played me like I was some stray off the streets.
Thought we were better than that – but fuck it – now I see just what I meant to you.
Sunday – oh my damn – what just happened???? yes – I slept on the couch – so what – big deal.
I just didn’t want to get in bed – tossing and turning to wake you up.
Then you want to act like you care – woke up twice – not once did you say anything or try to wake me up to say get in bed.
Then make a big deal after you were out the bed – at 8am in the morning for me to get in bed –
Guess as long as I wasn’t sleeping with you – it was all cool.
But like I said – I’m good – at least I know where I stand now.
You ask me what’s wrong – trying to make a big damn deal out of how much you care.
Actions speak louder then any words could ever say – and all I saw this weekend was fuck you Nora – go away.
Try to talk to you – but the computer and sports were more important to you then I could ever be.
Don’t say it’s not true.
You in mid sentence but get up from us talking and just stop and go walking
Into the room and back onto your computer –
So I just shut down more – not a whole lot left in store for me – to be wondering
What in the fuck did I set myself up for.
This wasn’t the plan to be treated like a two bit whore.
Oh well – it is what it is…
Funny thing is – I hear you say – “nora, this isn’t nothing knew with us – I know how you are. So if you know how I am – and you know I have issues with expressing myself
Why make it such a big deal that I didn’t talk on your turns. But eventually I always open you to you.
For real – you’re the one that made me shut down.
You some times makes it impossible to talk to you.
To even want to be your friend sometimes.
But I liked you – and I was trying to look past all that.
But just damn – why couldn’t you do the same for me.
But I give up on you –
No since in holding on – there’s no friendship – no love lost –
Oh well fuck it – I’m through!!!
It’s sad to think that things got so out of hand
But like I said before – now I at least know where I stand.
Got me down there and ya ass wouldn’t even take me back to the airport
Good thing for real friends –
Thank you Karen – for everything.
I truly appreciate you.
At least some folks still believe in a friendship that’s true.
But fuck it – whatever – I wont say I don’t care –
Bcuz I think this poem is telling that I do.
I just really cant believe you.
Thought you were different.
But you’re just a man –
So my mistake for believing in you.
At this point – I don’t even know what to do.
Delete you off everything I have – my phone, my yahoo, my mind.
Don’t know why I cant shake this shit – but it’s cool – in time – you’ll be a thing of the past –
I figured this so called fake friendship wouldn’t last –
But wow just damn.
What did I even mean to you – or dare I ask.
But fuck it – it’s over now and I’m home at least.
Soon enough you’ll be a distant memory of the past.
But that don’t stop the pain and the hurt.
And these fucking tears wont stop falling.
And I ask myself why the hell do I care – when you don’t.
And that’s not fair.
But I’ve gotten over greater hurt and pain than this.
Today's the day I go home...after 2yrs of being away. away from the cold - the snow - family...
I'm kind of excited - but at the same time not sure what to expect.
There's a lot of stuff going on that I wont talk about here right now...but - maybe I should have just taken care of them 2yrs ago and I would be done and not have to deal with it.
Oh well, hard heads make soft asses or so they tell me!
When I know better then to act on emotions - why do I find myself doing it some times....well this will be the very last time...
Trying so hard not to shut down completely, but it's not easy.
well i'mma stop right now, bcuz I want to say so much more...but it's not time yet...
HOMEWARD BOUND....YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
HERE IS THE SONG I'M THINKING OF RIGHT NOW..I'M TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP THE LYRICS..BUT ENJOY...
So, I haven't been here in a while, but with moving and some other stuff going on, I just haven't had time. So now it's 2:48am, cant sleep and just tired of crying, tired of not being able to sleep, tired of fighting with folks I shouldn't even have to fight with. But I guess that's life.
Well, sometimes, I think that my being honest about how I feel and voicing my opinion can be a doubled edge sword. I mean, on one hand, I think that honesty is the best policy, but on the other hand, some folks really cant handle the truth.
So I've decided to just let the situation go, and whatever happens or dont happen, I wont worry myself any more about it.
I'm not mad, a lil disappointed and a little sad, but hey, I'm partly to blame.
I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but how much can I really take.
I felt like I was being made to eventually choose and though I was told I wanted or wouldn't ever have too...YOUR words didn't come off like that.
Though you said you were playing... YOUR words didn't come off like that.
But it is what it is. I know I may have said some hurt shit, and even though I meant every word I said...I never meant to hurt you. and I hope u can understand from my end.
I've tried to understand where u were coming from, but again, I only see one said - and even with that I only get HALF stuff..so cant really form an opionion one way or the other...well i have...but...yeah... and I never wanted to be in the middle. but I think because I only know part of one side, and I'm sure that's only a small part, and never trying to look in to actually find out what's the real issues..I think it's harder for me to see some of your side.
Yes, I know you care about him, but when u talk, I hear ANGER, BITTERNESS, FRUSTRATION, and a few other things...THIS is what I HEAR. It's hard for me to ASSUME you dont mean it, when you say stuff every day.
Yes, I said, I love my sisters, but it's something about my brothers...and I've always felt that way, even with my REAL sisters...but I'd never choose one over the other...but me saying, he'd always be my brother but you may not always be your sister, I see your point.
At this point, I just dont know any more. So my staying clear, and keeping my mouth shut is exactly what I'm going to do. But one thing is for certain, and two things are for sure...that subject is off limits to talking about. Be it happy, sad, good or bad times.
Sucks it has to come to having to limit what we can talk about...but deep down in my mind, I knew one day, something would be put to the test...
too bad, someone we both care about and love in two totally different ways, is the center of that limit. I guess it is what it is.
As far as you G8, I'm sorry, and I dont want you to think you're in the middle of anything. Because you're not. Sorry, u even had to go through that and witness the whole ugly thing..but it wont happen again.
so I'm just falling back for a while...dont know how long...so yeah, this is my way of not wanting to be annoyed, not wanting to annoy anyone and to stop arguing and fighting and the back and forth. I really dont have the energy for it....with the move, and the other personal stuff...I cant handle all the stress and drama right now.
Sorry it had to come to this..but maybe all good things do come to an end... ________________________________________________
so the packing is all done, except the things that I have to ship home, and that will be done when UPS comes and get the stuff.
Excited about my mini vacation...or atleast trying to be excited. With so much stuff going on, sometimes now I wonder if I should have booked the trip. and just waited until after every thing clears.
But not going to focus on all the bad that's going on. I'm going to have fun and enjoy the company.
Still a lil nervous about everything with that...but I know it will be fine...
though I like it, not going in expecting anything but friends having fun together and spending time as friends...
guess everything is bitter/sweet with everything going on with me. wanting to talk to you, but....
'll make the best of this and we'll be fine...
cant wait to see you, it's been awhile since the last time..
ok, it's 3:09, and i have 3 hrs before i have to get up...so i'mma end it here for now...i'll b back later....
_________________________________________________
Song I'm feeling.... So I cant get the video bcuz it's blocked..
but here's the song's link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hB22npEUbx8
_____LYRICS_____
Me, Myself and I by; Cheryl "Pepsii" Riley
Oooohhhhhhhh ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh me, myself and I---- (me myself and I) Always wearing a smile Running free, running wild That’s my best disguise, cant you tell. So unhappy, I’d die, I’ve considered a try Then I stopped and said to myself girl, This is the easy way out..why not challenge the world I’d cry up a storm that throws my mind in a swirl Then I looked in the mirror, and the reflection says, You, must love you, bcuz nothing comes easy I have dreams of my own too, and it’s true Straight to the sun, we’ll fly, me, myself and I Me, myself and I ---------- Sometimes, I feel as if I’m standing on a cliff But you cant let the wind just blow you Must be happy for self, if for no one else I need someone to love me all the time I stumble through the darkness in my mind I’m riding through an hour glass out of time And then I turned to the mirror and the reflection says: You, must love you, bcuz nothing comes easy I have dreams of my own too, and it’s true Straight to the sun, we’ll fly, me, myself and I Me, myself and I ---------- And the mirror and the reflection says: You, must love you, bcuz nothing comes easy I have dreams of my own too, and it’s true Straight to the sun, we’ll fly, me, myself and I And maybe the reflection is just an image of GOD!
Saturday, September 27, 2008 longgggggggggggggggggg survey TEN HOW'S:
How did you get one of your scars? fallin on a pole outside, got a 4 inch scar on my leg..but I think it’s sexy… hahha
How did you celebrate your last birthday? went home to MI, How are you feeling at this moment?blahhhhhhhhhhhhh
How did your night go last night? cant remember, was in the dazes
How did you do in high school? 3.8 out of 4.o… u decide
How did you get the shirt you're wearing? I’m not wearing on…
How often do you see ur best friend? bf in MI – it’s been a while
Bf in Cali – a few months
Bf in MD – it’s been over a yr
How much money did you spend last month? too much to even say….
How old do you want to be when you get married? hopefully soon, I wont put an age on it..but I do want to be married
How old will you be at your next birthday? 33- tomorrow.. (sept 28..dang I remember in elementary thinking 33 is soooooooooo old..)
NINE WHAT'S:
Your mothers name? Mamie
What did you do last weekend? shop, go to movies, wash, stress,
What is the most important part of your life? anyone that I love, me getting back to being totally happy, having peace of mind
What would you rather be doing? chillin with HIM – plans didn’t work out like they were suppose too...should be in ___ right now…but oh well
What did you last cry over? HIM – my life – changes – not being where I want and need to be in life.. wishing I was home – hell just a lot of stuff
What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? music - it speaks to my soul Shopping – shoes yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy
What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? honesty, relating to one another, understanding, sense of humor, passion,
What are you worried about? oh gosh, how much bandwidth does this site hold..
What did you have for breakfast? bacon and pancakes
EIGHT HAVE YOU’S: Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? YEAH I HAVE
Have you ever had your heartbroken? TOO MANY TIMES
Have you ever been out of the country? YES
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? HELL YEAH JUST HAPPENS IN LIFE SOMETIMES
Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend? YEP..an ex..got the scar to prove it
Have you ever had sex on the beach? NO, but that sounds like hella fun (would there be an audience) lmao
Have you ever dated someone younger than you? YES I HAVE
Have you ever read an entire book in one day? YES, when I was really into reading, now, everything is like blahhhhhhhhh plus who has time
SEVEN WHO’S: Who was the last person you saw? some kid running Who was the last person you texted? Brandon
Who was the last person you hungout with? other than work?? Lisa
Who was the last person to call you? Sharon
Who did you last hug? Lisa
Who is the last person who texted you? Rhonda
Who was the last person you said "i love you" to? my mom
SIX WHERE’S: Where does your best friend live? MI, MD, CA
Where did you last go? Family Dollar
Where did you last hang out? the mall
Where do you go to school? finished school
Where is your favorite place to be? either home chillin, or at the water, man, I miss being home…just to go to the river front, and relax, or the best ever Cali…being at the ocean… mannnnnnnnnnnnn, I so loved that….something about the water that relaxing me and calms me in a way, no one would understand
Where did you sleep last night?on the sofa
FIVE DO’S/DOES:
Do you like someone right now? yeah, too much – and seems shit is all messed up between us
Do you think anyone likes you? I know he does – shits just all messed up, I miss him so
Do you ever wish you were someone else? yeah, in ATL
Do you know the muffin man? is there a muffin man?????
Does the future scare you? sometimes, but I feel whatever GOD has written for me, will be..so why stress over it much,
FOUR WHY’S:
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)? bcuz they don’t judge, they understand me, we are able to agree to disagree, we may fight, cuss one another out, and not see eye to eye, but in the end, the love and bond we share will never cease..
Why did you get a myspace? I was bored one day, and wanted to see what the hype was about Why did your parents give you the name you have? Iono…
Why are you doing this survey? I don’t have a life..and I don’t feel like driving any where
THREE IF’S:
If you could have one super power what would it be? to make sure no kid is abused, raped, go hungry, and have the best education ever.. (what, that’s all under one, to protect kids at all cost)
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? I don’t think I would change anything…even with me wanted one thing (person) so much to be alive…I know GOD didn’t take Khalil to make me miserable
If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring? HIM - giggle
TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:
Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you? cant say that I would, they are an ex for a reason
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? YEP
ONE LAST QUESTIONAre you happy with your life right now? , but I am content, working to be happy and have peace of mind…
Scarred for life because of you And all the shit you put me through you tried to hurt me, even kill me too but your plans were doomed bcuz it wasn’t in God’s plan for me you see.
Did it make u feel like a big man Hitting the mother of your child, But help me understandDid it give you a sense of brotherhood. Did I make u feel misunderstood. Did you see the black eyes you left behind
You beat my ass, but still I wanted to find. Love in you, because my dumb ass thought Things would be okay, and you’re love was true. Why do we tell ourselves that, after every hit to the face. You’re just a disgrace. You put me through a lot,
Made me bury our 27 day old son alone Crying in the night, wanting you to just be here for me I loved you with my whole soul, you didn’t didn’t want to see. But it’s okay, and it’s over nowYou can no longer hurt me I don’t blame you for everything that went wrongI played my part too.
See, I allowed you to hit me, I allowed you to lieI played the victim, when I could have gotten away But when you love someone like I loved youIt’s hard to just walk away. I thought we’d be able to work things throughBut it was only an illusion, I woke up one day.
Realized you were no good for me Realized you were everything I didn’t want in a man Once I decided to say enough was enough You wasn’t having it, so you played rough But it wasn’t a game. It was my life you wanted
So now I’m scarred for life Not just emotional..but physical and mental. You took matters into your own handsAnd tried to kill me that day It was then, that I knew I had to walk away You’ll never know just how much I hated you
But how I hated myself for staying with you, too They say what doesn’t kill us, only makes us strongerIn many ways, I have to agree, the longer I stayedThe stronger I became Got the courage to get help and walk away. Finally, I see brighter daysIt wasn’t easy
And boy did I have some battles to fight But I endured through it, battled with all my might See, I’m not that timid lil girl any more You can no longer bully meAnd I go hiding. But you know, none of that matter now.
The battle is over, and the war is mine You use to beat my ass, even stabbed me too But no more can u hurt me. I’ve become the woman you didn’t want me to be I’m victorious over you, you see Even though you put me through a lot of mystery and strife. And forever,
I will beScarred for life…
__________SONG LYRICS__________
We walked along the beach What a moon lit night He held my hands in his He kissed me he said I wanna spend my life with you I want you for my wifeJust then I thought Chorus:What about the times you lied to me What about the times you said no one would want me What about all the shit you've done to me What about that What about that What about the times you yelled at me What about the times I cried You wouldn't even hold me What about those things What about that What about that I took a pause And then a deep sigh He looked right into my eyes As he said I know I didn't say somethin' wrong I didn't have the courage to say But then I thoughtRepeat ChorusOhChorus 2: What about the times you hit my face What about the times you kept on when I said No more please What about those things What about that What about that oh What about the times you shamed me What about the times when you said you didn't fuck her She only gave you head What about that What about that Don't wanna live my life in misery Don't tell me you did it 'cause you love me I don't believe I'm sick and tired Your deceptive games Wonder where you have been I can't live life wondering My heart was poundin' But the time had come To stop lettin' my whisperin' heart control me And tellin' my screamin' mind what to do I looked him straight in the eye And then I said Repeat Chorus Repeat Chorus 2 Repeat Chorus Repeat Chorus 2
Ever just think about shit in ur life, and just wanted paece from it all..I know I have. hell, I know i do..this song is really just explaining how I feel right now...
I've been searching for peace for so long, I think it's time that I just finally find it...
_____SONG LYRICS_______
I Gotta Find Peace Of Mind" by: Lauren Hill
I gotta find peace of mindI know another cord... I gotta find peace of mind See, this what that voice in your head says When you try to get peace of mind... I gotta find peace of mind, I gotta find peace of mind He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible He says there's no me without him, please help me forget about him He takes all my energy, trapped in my memory Constantly holding me, constantly holding me I need to tell you all, all the pain he's caused, mmmm I need to tell I'm, I'm undone because, mmmm He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible He says it's impossible without him, but I know it's possible To finally be in love, and know the real meaning of A lasting relationship, not based on ownership I trust every part of you, cuz all that I... All that you say you doYou love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myself I just can't believe that you, would have anything to do With someone so insecure, someone so immature Oh you inspire me, to be the higher me You made my desire pure, you made my desire pure Just tell me what to say, I can't find the words to say Please don't be mad with me, I have no identity All that I've known is gone, all I was building on I don't wanna walk with you, how do I talk to you Touch my mouth with your hands, touch my mouth with your hands Oh I wanna understand, the meaning of your embrace I know now I have to face, the temptations of my past Please don't let me disgrace, where my devotion lays Now that I know the truth, now that it's no excuse Keeping me from your love, what was I thinking of? Holding me from your love, what was I thinking of? You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behind You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behind He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible He says it's improbable, but I know it's tangeable He says it's not grabbable, but I know it's haveable Cuz anything's possible, oh anything is possible Please come free my mind, please come meet my mind Can you see my mind, ohWon't you come free my mind? Oh I know it's possible Anything, anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeey Anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeey Anything, anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeey Oh free! Free, free, free your mind Free, free your mind... free, free your mind Free, free, free, free your mind Oh, it's so possible, oh it's so possible I'm telling you it's possible, I'm telling you it's possible Free, free... free, free... free, free... get free now Free, free... free, free, free, free... free, free You're my peace of mind, that old me is left behind You're my peace of mind, you're my peace of mind He's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mind He's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mind What a joy it is to be alive To get another chance, yeah Everyday's another chance To get it right this time Everyday's another chance Oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God Oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God [Repeat till fade]
Ok, so lately, I’ve been a feeling a little down. And was listening to this gospel mix cd I made, and this song came on. As you can see, I can find a song for just about any situation. Any mood I’m in. Through music, I’m able to express myself in a way I cant always do.
But this song got me to thinking and reflecting about my life…past, present and future.
Well lets reflect a little about the past. I will make it short and just point out with bullets some of the major life experiences, that has helped shape me to be the person I am today.
I’ve been raped
I’ve been stabbed by a man that swore he loved me
I’ve been lied to, lied on, and I’ve lied about many things, even who I was once before
I hated my life and everything about it
I had low self esteem
I was about 100lbs heavier then I am now, even though I still have some pounds to shed
I have lost a child
My best child hood friend died in my arms from being shot right in front of me
I was depressed lonely, dazed and confused
I’ve attempted suicide 3 different times
I once lost my faith in people, in GOD, and in myself
Ok, this is making me depressed. But my past is apart of me. And though it hasn’t been pretty, it is what it is. My past helped shape me to be the sometimes negative person those that I talk too see. My past helped shape me to be the positive person some of you see. My past helped shaped me to be the person that you can come to, and I’ll be honest with you and not sugar coat shit. I’ll tell you what I feel about whatever. And if you come to me with a problem, issue or concern; you know you’ll get the honest answer out of me. No more lies, no more drama. Just straight up, no catcher. I don’t try to hurt folks feelings with the things I say, but if you and I call one another friends, then you already know that about me. My past made me the person that loves very hard once you are in my life. Be it for any type of relationship. But it takes a lot to get in my life, to get that close to me. But once you’re in, you’re in. Even if we don’t talk any more, the love I’ve had for you, is still there. It’s just that I saw fit to not include you in my every day life any longer.
I dont even know how my life went into such a downward spiral. I guess putting all of my faith into a man, that gave less then 2 shits about me. Believing in a doomed relationship from the start. Holding on to someone that only beat my ass. Caring more about someone and being in a relationship, then I cared for myself. Not wanting to be lonely, unloved and alone.
But my past, no matter how ugly…it was what it was…and ‘m still here.. Because my life is in GOD’s hands…and only HE can put an expiration date on my life…
On to my present…
Well, today, my days are not as dark as they once were. I believe I still have a lot of growing today, still trying to really find myself, and my place in life. I don’t know what God has in store for my life. But even through trying to kill myself. Even though being depressed for years, and blaming myself for so many things. I’m still here. I’m still going strong. The low self esteem is no more. I love myself, more and more every day. And I don’t think I’m such a bad person, even though I have done some bad things. I don’t make excuses for myself, because there were many people that tried to help me alone the way. But it was me that had the pity party, and didn’t listen to them. But I’m taking heed now. Because no matter how bad something else, it’s not always about how it got that way. It’s about how you handle the situation. I handled many things horribly and some things, I just decided not to deal with. And not handling as a way to deal, was one of the worse things I could have done. But I’m dealing with them now. And coming to some harsh realities in my life. I was a mess. I don’t know any other way to describe it, but I was a mess. But…today…I’m not as much of a mess as before. I’m dealing with the things I choose to hinder my life.
Some things are not pretty to deal with. Some things make me have to relive some of the pains I tried to run from. But, I’ve decided, if I don’t deal with them now, they will forever hinder my life. And I don’t want that. I cant really have any kind of healthy relationships, be it friendships or other wise, if I don’t handle this stuff now.
I know I’m not always the most positive person, and I can be damn near impossible to deal with, especially if you haven’t taken the time to really try to know me. If I’ve given you the chance to. You know, I didn’t to be this way over night, and it’s going to take some time. But I am working on the negativity. I am working on not shutting people out of my life. Not allowing one bad thing to handle, and I say, “screw this”, because I feel that if you let me down once, you’ll always do it.
I’ve had many disappointments in my life. I’ve lost many people that I love, through death, through disagreements, by chance. And there aren’t many folks in my life now that I feel that I can really count on. But the ones that are here, I’m grateful too. I know it’s not easy dealing with me. I know I have some hang ups about me. But I’m a work in progress.
I hope you continue this journey with me. Bcuz it will be well work the ride.
My future…
I have no idea what’s in store for me. I know I want to get married one day. I want to have a child or two.
I know I’m afraid of the unknown.
I know one day, the nightmares will stop, and I’ll be able to get a good’s night sleep.
But whatever my future holds. I know I’ll be the best person that I can be. No more esteem issues. No more lies, No more feeling sorry for myself.
Just living a healthy, happy, productive life.
And no matter what may come my way..
MY LIFE IS IN GOD’s HANDS….
_______Song Lyrics______
My Life is in YOUR Hands
You don't have to worry And don't you be afraid Joy comes in the morning Troubles they don't last always For there's a friend in Jesus Who will wipe your tears away And if your heart is broken Just lift your hands and say OhI know that I can make it I know that I can stand No matter what may come my way My life is in your hands With Jesus I can take it With Him I know I can stand No matter what may come my way My life is in your hands So when your tests and trials They seem to get you down And all your friends and loved ones Are nowhere to be found Remember there's a friend in Jesus Who will wipe your tears away And if you heart is brokenJust lift your hands and say OhI know that I can make itI know that I can stand No matter what may come my way My life is in your handsWith Jesus I can take it With Him I know I can stand No matter what may come my way My life is in your hands
Ok, so I’m sitting here listening to a lot of music… and this song came up in the play list, and since I’m in a writing mood, and this song reminds me so much of someone that even though I put him through a lot, he’s showed me what a real friend is. He showed me that he cared, even when I tried to push him away, when I tried to make him hate me, because at the time I hated myself. And even though things are totally different from before, it’s okay. I so still appreciate this man.
It’s hard when you only doubt yourself, don’t love yourself and want to just be someone else. It’s hard to see the rainbow from all the rain and storms. This person has been around for about damn near a decade, and through all the lying and deceit on my part. He still remained true to trying to be a friend to me.
It hasn’t been easy, and sometimes I don’t even feel worthy of him still calling me his friend. Even though we don’t talk as much now and things are so different. I’m amazed he’s still around through everything. He’s one amazing man…or maybe a little crazy. I don’t know. But I so appreciate him.
This man has put up with so much of my negativity and crap. When you don’t love yourself, it’s hard to imagine that someone else can even care a little bit about you. So even though he showed he cared, I didn’t really notice or take heed to him or the caring, or him extending out his hand to help me. I lost site of a lot of things, and he tried to show me the brightest side.
But he did and I know he still cares. Maybe not like before, and I don’t blame him. I didn’t always listen to him. I didn’t always do right by him, and once I decided too, I knew it was too little to late. So much damage, lies, distrust, deceit, from my part…sometimes you just cant go back. No matter how hard you try, the damage is done.
But I thank this man, because, he tried to show me what a real man is suppose to be. He showed me no matter what I’m going through, nothing should be as bad as I made them. I do know a lot of my decisions made my life harder then what it had to be. I could have taken that negative energy and put something positive. I could have made a lot of different choices that could have benefited me, instead of letting my circumstances hinder me and my actions.
He put up with a lot. He’s a great guy. Even with his cut throat words that can sometimes cut deeper then any knife. He’ll always have a special place in my heart. He’ll always mean a great deal to me. I’ll always love him. And I’m forever grateful to him.
Even though some things I’m still working on, and my past has shaped my mind to make me feel that everyone is out for something and it’s not always a good thing. I’m a work in progress. I don’t hate myself any more. And I’m learning to forgive me, for everything in the past. For hurting people that truly care for me.
You made me do something I always avoided doing. You made me look in the mirror at myself. I didn't like anything I saw. I turned into this person I didn't know. I turned into someone I didn't like, even with me not loving myself, and blaming myself for alot of things that happened to me, feeling sorry for myself, having low self esteem. You made me look at myself and deal with ME... It was a hard reality to come too. It was hard facing the truth about me. I wasn't the woman you needed or wanted, because I couldn't be the woman I needed for me to be. I couldn't look myself in the mirror for a very long time. It was easier pretending everything was okay in the world, pretending like someone else, pretending my life was A-okay. When it reality it was a mess. I was a mess. I had to deal and face ME..the hardest person that there was to face. Telling you the totaly truth after everything was easy, compared to having to look myself in the eye in the mirror and coming to grips with my truth. My life..my pain...my loss, the storms...It wasn't an easy task. but the song tells it all... It's how I feel. I was really in the darkness. I was so confused.. but you..oh you... you pulled me through....
You’ve been one of the few that truly tried to understand me and never gave up on me. You’ve taught me a lot, and even though I didn’t take heed to everything you’ve told me over the years right then. I did listen. And I’m learning.
I just want to thank you for every thing. You mean a lot to me.
I love you….MVS….
And I always will…
________________SONG LYRICS________________
You pulled me through…by Jennifer Hudson
I was in the darkness I was out in the cold Seems nothing could heal this… This hole in my soul You reached out your arms to me Held out your heart to me Pulled me back from the edge Thought I’ve reached the edge
When I was drowning When I was so confused You…you…you pulled me through I was in the shadows Lost..nothing left to lose You..you..you pulled me through
You gave my faith back Faith was so hard to find You gave me my life back You were my life line The love that you gave me, Is love that has saved me Your strength is what made me strong You held me and I held on..
When I was drowning When I was so confused You…oh you…you pulled me through I was in the shadows Lost..nothing left to lose You... oh you...you pulled me through
Out of the dark Into your arms Into the light Your love saved my life
When I was drowning When I was so confused You…oh you. You pulled me through
When I was drowning.. I was so confused You..oh you… you pulled me through
So for those that dont know, I have this sister (not my real sister, but she's been there for me, like a real sister, and hell, I cant get rid of her...so she's my sister in every way that counts...
well this blog/vent/issues are all about her!!!
RHonda, I told you I was doing it... u betta be ready....
1. Rhonda and I dont always agree...but we've ALMOST always been able to agree to disagree.
2. and even those times, we didn't we still RESPECTED each others stance on things and let them be what they been, even if we didn't agree with them.
3. Rhonda and I have different views on many many many many many many many things (did I mention many things)...but we've always been on one another sides, right, wrong or in different..
well except when it comes to my Stinky..but even with him, I've been there for Rhonda and listened to her..but it gets kind of hard when you love two folks like siblings to not take sides...but Rhonda know..she'll always be my sister...
4. Just like she gotta accept Stinky gonna always be my brother (she cant make me get rid of him...) Sorry Rhonda, he's here to stay.... get use to it!
5. In the short amount of time that we've known one another, the love, respect, bond, wanting to cuss one another out over something, making up without having to say I'm sorry, or even saying I'm sorry and letting it go, we'll be friend/sisters for ever....
6. I dont always say thank you for not given up on me.I know I'm not an easy person to get alone with...and I"m even more difficult to try to understand....and it's damn near impossible for folks to get past the layers of build wall that I've built...but some how you've managed. You've managed to understand me, or atleast try, and u continue to try. You've managed to not say fuck it, I am not dealing with her, like some folks have, and you've managed to tear the wall down, brick by brick..and those difficult tasks alone, makes me love you more and more each day..
7. I'm still waiting on my CDs from months ago... yeah, I wanna talk about it..I even sent you the blank CDs and I still aint got nothing!!!! Where are my CDs Rhonda???? I'm just saying, I"m musicless (well I wont go that far..but I'm sure I have most of the cds now..but u owe me)
8. I still cant wait for u and Stinky to have my nephew!!!! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy,
9. I wish u all the happiness in the world..and I know ya'll both makes each other happy. It's a rocky road, but not really...right now...Ya'll will be okay...I totally believe that...
10. U've become my best friend, someone I can count on no matter what, and my sister. andfor that, I appreciate you each and every day, and I'm blessed that GOD has placed you in my life..
Even though every thing in my life isn't the way I want it to be...I still am blessed, just about content, and still thank GOD for another year.
When I turned 30, it was really hard for me, if you were on my yahoo360 back then, I wrote about my struggles, my pains, my losses, my regrets..and how I had to finally try to let them go.
I cant say I have totally let go, somethings are just harder then others to just totally LET GO completely.
But at 33, I'm still able to live, laugh, love and learn.
I thank GOD for the people that has been in my life and those that were once in my life, and are now gone for whatever reason!
I thank my true friends and family for loving me for me, for accepting me for me and putting up with all my ups and downs...it's been a journey...
but I appreciate those that has stayed on the path with me helping me see the brighter side of things, when I couldn't see them for myself.
I thank you all that has been there praying for me, listening to me, or just saying, Nora get a grip...bcuz we all need that in our lives sometimes too...
Just know I love you all, and the journey isn't over yet!
Here's to another year, of love, laughs, ups and downs, joy, pain and tears!!!
Looking back over the years I’ve shedded some tears. I told myself time and time again, that this time I would win But I haven’t won yet. Just too many regrets 13 years of unhappiness, is not a way to live life. Tired of going through the pain, lose, and strife. Where is my happily ever after. Will it ever come, or must I continue to live my life numb. I no longer want to smile, but when you look in my eyes, you only see my misery. This is no way to live When will I ever break free Break free from my own prison Living in a hell I’m slowly dying inside But I can no longer hide This pain is killin me Does anyone care? Can you see? I am crying out for help…. Help to heal, help to fight the demon that I live with everyday That demon that tells me that it is my fault that my son is done… No one knows how I feel in side. To be told, it’s your fault your son has died. You did this to him, Nora… Hearing those words constantly, over and over again, Because they are embedded in my head. To have to bury a child alone. To feel the guilt of his passing, knowing I committed a sin And to know he’s forever gone. The man that was suppose to love and protect me. Is the same muthafucka that beat my azz constantly. But now the guilt that consume him, Because he never got to see his son. Makes him be the same mean, heartless person from yesteryear… So he knows he can still break me down, and that makes him cheer. He tells me I was wrong, he tells me I took his first born It’s not like I didn’t give him the chance to be there. He knew from day one, that our son was here. But instead of bringing his azz to Ohio , He took another route. But now he’s feeling guilty and wanting to pout… What am I suppose to do… I don’t know how to fight him. I live with the fact my son isn’t here everyday. And the shit aint going away. But I’m tired of dying inside. I’m tired of running just to hide. Don’t I have the right to be happy. Am I wrong for wanting to live my life drama free. Don’t I have the right for someone to look into my eyes, and see Them beaming with joy, instead of seeing them dull I will no longer close my eyes and want to fall No longer will I let that dark angel have such a strong hold on me. I’ll be prepared, because I know when that bitch comes, she’s coming bold. No more thoughts of suicide. I know realize, GOD has other plans for you see… I just wish soon, I’ll be able to live my life, guilt free….
I FEEL YOUR PAIN MY FRIEND FROM ACROSS THE SEAS OF TIMES WE NEED TO RELAX RELATE RELEASE TOGETHER WHEN YOU ARE ALONE REMEMBER THE GLUE IS LOOSE ON MY PAGES OF MY HEART AS WELL DONT THINK THAT PAIN JUST STOPPED BY YOUR ADDRESS FOR THE POSTAGE WAS PREPAID HERE AS WELL WE LOVE TO LOVE THE FACT OF BEING IN LOVE BUT LOVE SEEMS TO HATE US BOTH HUN
TAKE MY HAND AND I WILL SHARE A TEAR OR TWO WITH YOU FEAR OF HAVING MY SOUL STRIPPED FROM MY FLESH ALLOW ME TO WRITE A JOURNAL IN YOUR BROKEN ENTRY FOR MY MONENTS OF SADNESS ARE BLEEDING AND CRYING TO BE SET FREE YOU ARE NOT ALONE
THE RAIN IS FALLING DOWN AND MY WINDOWS ARE FOGGY FROM THE ALLURE OF SOMETHING I THOUGHT I HAD CAN WE FIND COMFORT IN EACH OTHER'S MISERY . I DONT KNOW BUT I HURT FOR YOU LIKE I HURT FOR ME THEY SAY BAD THINGS SEEM TO HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE IM GOOD , YOU GOOD FOR REAL WE BOTH GONNA BE GOOD ILL GO TO WAR FOR YOU AND RIDE WITH YOU WE WILL HURT NO MORE THIS IS MY REPLAY TO YOUR CRY AND I FIND THAT MY PEN IS YOUR TISSUE ITS SEEM THAT THIS COLABO OF PAIN HAS COME TOGETHER AS IT SHOULD MY PEN CHOSE TO REPLY MY HEART CHOSE TO CRY I LIE HERE WITH THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS BUT LET ME EASE YOUR MIND GOD LOVES US BOTH AND IN TIME THE WARNING SIGNS OF HURT WILL TURN INTO JOY I FEEL YOUR PAIN I CAN OFFER A HUG OR SOME RANDON THOUGHT THAT WILL BE PASSED BY IN A WEEK AT THIS POINT I CAN OFFER SOME CONVERSATION THRU THIS POEM LIFE HAD TAKEN US BOTH UP AND DOWN BUT PUT YOUR WAR PAINT ON SOLDIER WHEN THE WINDS BLOWS AGAIN LET THE WIND FEEL YOUR FACE EMBRACE THE STORM AND IN THE MORNING IM SURE THE SUN WILL SHINE I FEEL YOUR PAIN MY PEN FOR YOUR CAN BE YOUR PILLOW AND MY PAPER YOUR REFUGE I CAN WRITE FOR YOU IF AND WHEN NEEDED IM HERE . FROM A BROKEN HEARTED MALE THAT NO LONGER HIDES HIS SORROW I CHOSE TO SHARE THERE IS A BETTER WAY A NEW DAY FOR YOU AND ME THIS IS THE REALEST ONE I HAVE WRITTEN TO A FRIEND WANNA BORROW MY MARY J BLIGE MY LIFE CD THAT DOES IT FOR ME WHEN IM DOWN BROKEN CHANGE YOUR NAME FOR YOUR ARE NOT BROKEN JUST A LITTLE BENT WE CAN GET YOU STRAIGHT AGAIN IM SURE . STANDING ALONE YOU ARE NOT IM HERE NO WORRIES OF OTHERS AND HOW THEY FEEL WHAT TROY IS SAYING TO YOU IS REAL PAIN IS A BITCH AND I HAVE HAD MY FULL OF THE CUP OF BULLSHIT COVERED WITH SUGAR AND CREAM HOLD ON MY FRIEND RELIEF WILL COME YOU HAVE FOUND A NEW SOURCE IN ME TO HELP IN TIME OF CRISIS YOU NEED A BROTHER PHONE NUMBER ITS NOTHING IF SOMEONE GET MAD AT US FOR REACHING OUT GUESS WHAT THEY DONT LOVE ME OR YOU
@TROY L BARNES
My friend wrote this for me after my reply to his poem Heart with no pulse.... and this is my reply to him!
Troi, I am so in tears right now.. I love this, and I thank you .and just like you are here for me my friend, I am here for you! to offer a hug, to lend an ear, or a laugh or two.
Seems that love dont love me, and it doesn't love you. But through it all, we'll be okay.. what dont kills us, only makes us stronger, they say.
well right now, the pain is too hard to bare. as i sit and look out the window and just stare. staring to see the light at the end of the tunnel. wishing it will soon come. i think it's just too dim for me to see.
but i know it's there, for me, and I know it's there for you. I know someone that loves you with her whole heart. and as her and I have gotten closer, I know she loves me too. she's a true friend, a person that cares. and so far, she's shown us both that she'll be there!
we'll get through this, one day at a time. It's bleak right now, but the sun is gonna shine. Just take it slow. We'll learn, we'll laugh we'll grow...
Thank you for this, you dont know just how it means. to see someone cares and feels my pain. not just saying you're a friend, but your actions show otherwise... sometimes, all i see is my demise.
no suicide attempt, so dont worry about that... just so tired of these cats... that say one thing, but their actions say "bitch, fuck you" just want to find one person...that words are true...
but life's a bitch, and this is just something we have to go through... just know like you're here for me...i'm here for you!
WANTING YOU , LOVING YOU WAS A FULL TIME JOB MYSELF JACK OF ALL TRADES , MASTER OF NONE KNEW ONE THING TO DO WELL AND THAT WAS TO LOVE YOU EASY TO START , HARD TO FINISH NOW IM A HEART WITH NO PULSE
RECOVERY TIME SLOW. THE BAND AIDS CANT STOP THE BLEEDING THE CLOCK MOVES FAST BUT THE LIFE SPAN OF US STOPPED OUR TIMEX DIDNT KEEP ON TICKING WAS IT JUST YESTERDAY I SAID I LOVE YOU NOW I CANT REMEMBER YOUR PHONE NUMBER NOW IM A HEART WITH WITH NO PULSE
MY FRIENDS THEY KNOW ! IM A WOUNDED SOLDIER WITH NO MEDAL FOR MY EFFORTS ROSA PARKS WOULD BE UPSET TO KNOW I PUT MY HEART NOW ON THE BACK OF THE BUS THE CONCLUSION IM A STATISTIC IN THE USE TO BE COLUMN OF YOUR LIFE BUT IN MINE ITS REALY WHY DID I LET YOU DO THIS TO ME I SEE THE PICS AND I GOT THE LETTER JUST A WASTE OF A STAMP. NOW IM A HEART WITH NO PULSE
I WROTE ANOTHER POEMM ABOUT YOU CALLED WHO ARE YOU TO CHANGE ME THAT WAS MY BITTER END TO A SAD SONG THIS RIGHT CHEA ! IS MY SONG OF FREEDOM CANT EXPLAIN WHY A PART OF ME YOU STILL HAVE MABYE IT WAS THE WAY I NEVER TOLD YOU TO KISS MY AZZ NOW I AM A HEART WITH NO PULSE
THE PARTIES AND THE OTHER WOMEN WERE NO CURE ALL I DID WAS BREAK ANOTHER WOMAN'S HEART MAYBE EVEN TWO IS SHE WAS BEING HONEST WITH ME AND HERSELF I TOOK MY SCREENAME DA CHAMP AND MADE HIM A REALITY OF SORTS BUT TROY HAS COME HOME TO BE WHAT HE REALY IS A GOOD MAN DOWN BUT NOT OUT WARRIOR TO THE END OF MY DAYS ROOM FOR GROWTH BETTER FATHER , SON AND FRIEND NOW I AM A HEART WITH NO PULSE
YOU MUST BE IN MY WAY TO MOVE ON COMPLETLY AS OF YET I STILL DONT KNOW IS THAT WHY I ACT THE WAY I DO AND RUN FROM TRUE LOVE I MAY BE MILES AWAY BUT THE PAIN I HAVE FELT, FEELS AS IF YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR IM ON MY WAY BACK TO CALI TO RETRIEVE MY MATERIAL THINGS BUT IF I HAD THAT ONE FIVE MINUTE CHANCE TO GET WITH YOU I KNOW IT WILL NEVER BEMAYBE YOU'LL SAY
IM SORRY
A HEART WITH NO PULSE
@DA CHAMP
My reply!
I too am a heart with no pulse
So much hurt, lies, pain and tears…
But my deepest fear..
Are coming true.
Losing so much,
Don’t know which way is up or down
Seems like everyone is laughin at me..
Am I the clown???
Suppose to be good friends,
Saying you’re worth it and they will fight for you,
Again another lie…maybe two…
I’m so ready to just give up, what’s the fuckin use.
Tired of caring, and being there for others.
Crying every day, feeling like I’m smothered…
Losing control…when I’m so use to bein on my A game…
Sometimes don’t know if I’m going or rather I’ve came…
My heart is broken…
No more words to be spoken…Just confused…tired of feeling used…I too, am I heart without a pulse…
Darren, I'm so proud of you. I know you've noticed a change in me, but I'll never change towards you. Your e-mom loves ya and just wants the world to know to check out the newest authur DarrenChester. His book we've (those that know and love) him is finally out!!
I've always cared about the simple things in life. When did my life get so spun outta control. When did things get so dang on complicated??
Maybe it's just me!
I asked someone did they see me as negative: his answer:
HIM: (9/12/2008 8:08:48 PM): i think it can be taken like that HIM: (9/12/2008 8:09:09 PM): but i think there are some things that have affected you HIM: (9/12/2008 8:09:27 PM): but I think your heart is good HIM: (9/12/2008 8:09:51 PM): but i think you so used to being disppointed that sometimes it affects how you think or react to things
This answer coming from someone that is TRYING to understand me. And this shit was so on point. You're answer is so on point..
Maybe I do let alot of things from my past affect me more then it should. But doesn't mean I'm such a horrible, mean, always negative person.
I'll be the first to admit, yes, somethings, I am very negative on..When you've been through all the stuff I have in my life, and dealing with somethings, you cant help but to be negative, when the end result is negativity - bullshit - nothing comes right from it...
I try not to put my views on people. Bcuz I'll be the first to say, I have alot of issues with alot of things. So why be the influence on someone else having the same negative outlook on things.
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i'm just rambling right now... it's 5:14am - and my mind is running a mile a minute...
just wanted to share this song..bcuz i want the simple things back in my life...
GOD help me to find peace in simplicity.
(this blog is becoming for of a rantin music blog then any thing else...I cant help it...I can find a song about every situation...just like shopping and writing... music soothes my soul..and takes me to a place of temporary comfort...)
________Song Lyrics________
Elisabeth Withers - Simple Things
VERSE 1: How do you explain this funny feeling deep inside MAKES me smile when I'm lonely - comforts me when I'm sad (How do you) explain this sweet sweet smile on my face That just keeps (getting better) with each passing day For so (long) I didn't (know) I was searching in all the wrong places
CHORUS:
(thinking if I) spent more money than I could (if I) worked harder than I should ALWAYS HAVING FRIENDS TO FEEL GOOD (I'd be happier) Loosing my breath in the hustle Just stressin' over nuthin' Forgetting the real joys that lie - in the simple things
VERSE 2: How do you explain when there’s more month @ the end (of the money) Your situations tells (you to worry) but you see the flowers in bloom (How do you) explain THE soft caress on your face That tells you it’ll get better with each passing day For so (long) I DID NOT know I was looking in all the wrong places
CHORUS: (thinking if I) played more games then I could (if I) worried more then I should
Spinnin’ my wheels with the lover that meant me no good
Loosing my breath in the hustle Just stressin' over nuthin' Forgetting the real pleasures that lie - in the simple things
Bridge: The sun shining on my face - your strong embrace mama calling - daddy calling to see if I'm ok The fresh air I breathe - enough food to eat A warm place to sleep at night - ARE the simple things
