SIGH....

SIGH...but i'm so glad it's over...

SIGH...but no longer will i have to cover

SIgh...the pain, the hurt and the tears

SIGH...too much time...so many years

SIGH...now how am I suppose to feel

SIGH...the man that abandoned me and my child had died

SIGH... why do i even care, when all he did was beat me and lied

SIGH... I refuse to be sad, but I cant help but to have these feelings...

SIGH...maybe now it's time for me to start healing...

SIGH...it's so hard for me to comprehend

SIGH...even after every thing, I cant help to care and even after he was never there

SIGH... I just want the pain, the hurt and the sorrow to end...

SIGH... no more tears, no more regrets

SIGH...I'll make the best of this, and live my life with no more frets

SIGH..when it comes to him and all the shit I endure

SIGH..is it wrong for me to think his death is just another way to lure me in

SIGH...I dont want to be bitter and I dont want to seem like a heartless bitch

SIGH...but I cant help it, bcuz I could care less if they buried your body in a ditch.

SIGH...I dont know what your mother and cousin was calling me for to tell me of this news

SIGH...because no matter what, I still lose

SIGH...I gave you so much power over my life

SIGH..when all I ever tried to do was be a good girlfriend, all I got was strife

SIGH…I cant forget all the black eyes, and the lies I told to my dad

SIGH…if he knew the truth…I was afraid, you’d get nothing but lead,

SIGH…from his rifle, or would he had of used his gun

SIGH…u beat his daughter, but how did it feel for you to have never saw your first born son

SIGH…I cant help but to be sad, and I’ve even shed a tear for you

SIGH..that’s what caring humans do

SIGH…but almost 14 yrs of our son’s passing.

SIGH..now the heartless, son of a bitch that was his father is gone, for good, EVERLASTING!!!

SIGH…but honestly, I hope you’re not going to HELL

SIGH…but I do regret not pressing charges and sending your ass straight to jail.

SIGH..but it’s okay, and I’ve lived to see better days….

SIGH. You tried to destroy me

SIGH…but through it all…I’m finally FREE


THIS is my final good bye to you… you really cant hurt me any more…



W.V.F. RIP

So I asked my friends to describe me...

but the catch was... they had to describe me in one word that starts with their initial of their first name....
and NO I didn't ask them why they give me those descriptions.
so here are some of the responses:

EWOK - I swear MIMI aint funny - tall yella chick! She never did give me a new word :hahaha:
Dwight - Daring
Shok - Short
Cherice - Caring
Robin - Rambunctious
Amanda - Angry - then she changed it to Amusing
Reggie - Real
Gerald - Gentle
Jeff - Justified
Sha - Sensitive
Diana - Dingy - this heffa right here.. hahaha - yes, i do have my blond moments
Kim - Kinky
Allen - Awesome
Brandon - balanced


most of them were on point.... i'm not angry, but i can be negative about some stuff.. but hey, my friends know me...so... i'll take it...

Question fo the weekend! Dec 20..

So last weekend, I asked, what would you do with a million dollars....

Most folks said, pay bills, take care of their mom, vacation, a few said TITHE!!!, invest, buy homes, cars,

U know the usual answers..

As for me:

Pay tithes
pay off all debt - credit cards- car- (those are the only creditors i have)
take a few of my friends on a week vacation to an undisclosed place
buy a home in the san antonio, or NC
send my mom and her 2 bffs on a month vacation
pay car insurance for a yr
go shopping... yes shoesssssssssssssssssssssssss
and maybe buy a foreclosed home or 2 - and rent them
and invest in an IRA

and give my family a big ass party - help a few of them with bills or give them a few bucks..

and after that - i'm sure it will be gone..


so that's what we'd do.. what about you.....

The Krazyness of Kawana

So I did a blog similiar to this before about a friend that has become a sister to me. Well as I sit here, trying to go to sleep, but cant; I thought I'd do a blog about another krazy chick in my life. Though not a sister by blood, but by hearts.

It takes a very special person to actually be able to get this close to me. And being a woman, it's even harder for me to open up too. Every one knows I have trust issues; however, this chick as krazy as she is, made it through that extra thick exterior wall and has become my friend...No my sister.

And the chick is for real krazy, but I think that's one of the reasons I love her. I've grown to love her and hope she really knows that and believes that when I tell her I love her and will always be there for her.

It funny because even though we are different, we've been through and experienced some of the same hurts and pains.

1. She lost her mother, I lost my father.
2. She was in an abusive relationship, so was I.
3. She has her personal struggles with trusting and opening up to people, and LORD knows I do.

But through those things, we've both been able to break down our barriers we have and have been able to become friends that love, respect and trust one another.

Though I still think there are still some barriers up...we are working hard to remove them day by day. And that's okay. After all, Noah didn't build the ark over night.

After the 3am phone calls, the heart to heart convos, the silly text messages, the tears, and the krazyness of Kawana, I believe we'll be okay for years to come.

Dang on it, I had in my mind to take a totally different approach to this blog. But I've noticed - once the pen hit the paper or I start to type, my mind follows the path it wants to.

Kawana, just know it's a joy having you a part of my life. With all the recent disappointments I had have (we have had), it's a pleasure to have someone that says they care and actually mean it.

I've never though I'd meet too many more girls that mean to me what my college PG crew means to me, but you and Rhonda have proven me wrong.

I just wish you love, peace and happiness throughout your years on this earth.

Here's to another 100 years more of Kawanaisms, Rhondaisms, and Noraisms.

Now wipe those tears out your eyes, you punk... :)

Love ya for life.

Nora!!!!

(GOTCHA)

Question of the weekend - 12-6-2008

Yes, I'm a little late, but last weekend's question was:
"WHEN DO YOU TRULY KNOW WHEN TO COMPLETELY LET GO?"

This question is personally motivated. I struggle in this area and find myself holding on to people and things that really dont mean me any good.

I received some great responses, so I"m going to list a lot of them here.

Stinky says: When it's doing you no good, let it go. Anything GOd gives you is good.

(got me to thinking, but when do you truly know when GOD gives you something, the devil is sneaky and wears many disquised hats).
Stinky replies again: If that person is meant to be in your life, then no matter what happens, they will be there. Pray for guidance. HE (GOD), will give you the desires of your heart.

Reggie in Cali says: When there is absolutely no chance, no matter what.

Tina says: Once I have had enough. My heart is way too valuable and precious to continually be misused and abused.

Aries says: when you keep stressing over it and it's driving you nuts.

Velvet says: when you lose you to get it.

Sylky says: when you lose a little bit of your sould, it'st ime to let it go.

Soulful says: when all Id o is stress or cry over the person. that lets me know it's unhealthy and time to let go. Letting go doesn't mean you have to forget or that you even will.

Dee says: when you are accomplishing nothing, it's time to let go.

Babii says: when you place them before GOD and your staart to lose yourself or do things outside of your character in a bad way. Or when after being with the person you have compromised, given and sacrified and find that you have nothing in return, haven't grown or taken anything away from their involvement in your life.

Sockie says: when it's more aggravation then good.

Kali says: when you are tired.

A few folks said depends on the person, thing or situation.

And lastly Rico: (he will be the person that will always have a voice on anything and everything and his ideas, ways and thoughts aren't always conventional). It just depends, like my mom or my daughter, even though my mom has wronged me and my daughter is a bad ass smart mouth, there is nothing either of them can do that will make me give up on them, unless they kill one another. If it's a chick I'm dealing with,and she's too negative, dont want nothing out of life, and aint trying to do shit, then she'll be dropped quick. If it's a nigga in the street, that has stole from me, lied to me, or jus the fact, I get a bad vibe from them, I aint goign to fuck with them a whole lot. If it's you Nora, I'mma just fuck ya short ass up and tell you to get a grip. (Yes, I dont know why he put me in it either. I'm damn near perfect. [wink]).

My thoughts:

I'm not sure I actually figured out that answer yet. iit seems I hold on even when I know the person or thing isn't doing any good being in my life. i hold on thinking something will change. that the person will realize that I care a great deal about them and will be there for them. Sometimes it's because some how a person creeped into my heart and i cant stop thinking about them or caring about them. more then likely, we've interacted on more then several occassions and i see they may be able to add something valuable to my life. i dont know i try to justify why i allow someone to stay in my life even after they have proved on more then one occasion they either dont want to be there or mean me no good.
Letting go is hard for me. But I am learning more and more it I truly want peace, I just have to do it.


Even though Brandon didn't answer the question, he asked me:
what d u think is stopping u from doing what u need to do?

My answer:
i think it's fear, not really wanting to, wanting them to be there for me like i have for them, there's many reasons i come up with for holding on.


That's our two cents: tell me about yours?

(F.Y.I> - My blog is set so anyone can post a comment. SO post away. Just be mindful and respectful. I would love to hear...well read your thoughts)

Question of the weekend - 12-13-2008

So I'm started this thing that I'm calling the Question of the weekend. This is where I text message friends in my phone on Saturday morning and give them a chance to respond. This quesition could represent either just a random silly question, a question that I may need help with or someone else may need help with, something that wil make you think, laugh, or maybe I'm just being nosy getting into their personal business. They can answer or not, I wont get mad. But I just like to get the different responsed. It shows just how different my friends are, but just how we all have something in common.

So I have decided to add the questions to my blog.



This weekend's question was;

WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE ALL THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE, BUT LIVE A SHORT UNHAPPY LIFE. OR LIFE AN AVERAGE HAPPY LONG LIFE?

Most of my friends said have a long happy aver life. I had a few that said the short finer things and be unhappy.

I will just quote 3 that stood out to me.

Dee says: "Like Mary J, I just want to be happy. GIve me the average happy life."

Dwight says: "I am happy with my life now. Getting what I want and living a nice happy life without worrying about materalistic things. Happy is the way to go."

Rico says: We're all going to die, so give me my mansion, cars, boats, jewelry, chicks now. I dont want to be 75 still struggling. I mean, how happy are you in debt, dont know where your next meal will come from and robbing Peter to pay Paul."

My thoughts on the matter:

I was

My thought:

I was torn for a minute. Because onne ssaid of me says, 10 out of 10 of us will die. So why not enjoy the finer things and dpending on how wealthy I am, I can try to buy happiness. who wants to be old and still living pay check to pay check.

But the other said of me says mone cant buy happiness, no matter how hard you try. And I do want to be happy. SO living a happy fulfilled average life with a few struggles and bumps in the road, may not be so bad.

That's our two cents: tell me about yours?


(F.Y.I> - My blog is set so anyone can post a comment. SO post away. Just be mindful and respectful. I would love ot hear...well read your thoughts)

The Song of my life....

_____Song lyrics_____

Artist: Tramaine Hawkins lyrics
Album: I Never Lost My Praise
Year: 2007
Title: I Never Lost My Praise Print
Correct


Send "I Never Lost My Praise" Ringtone to your Cell


Lyrics to I Never Lost My Praise :
I've lost some good friends along life's way
Some loved ones departed in heaven to stay
But thank God I didn't lost everything
I've lost faith in people who said they cared
In time of my crisis they were never there
But in my disappointment, in my season of pain
One thing never wavered, one thing never changed

I never lost my hope,
I never lost my joy
I never lost my faith
But most of all, I never lost my praise

My praise still here,
My praise still here

I've let some blessings slip away
When I lost my focus and went astray
But thank God I didn't lost everything
I lost possessions that were so dear
I lost some battles walking in fear
But in the midst of my struggles, in my season of pain
One thing never wavered, one thing never changed

I never lost my hope,
I never lost my joy
I never lost my faith
But most of all, I never lost my praise

Praise, Praise, Praise, Praise, Praise
Most of all, I never lost my praise

My praise still here,
My praise still here

(Thanks to Keith for these lyrics)

I'm sad

I'm sad today
realizing that I may truly lose someone I care about for the unteenth time, but nothing i can do.

I'm sad today
realizing that no matter how hard I try, some folks will never understand me and never be able to accept me for who I am.

I'm sad today
because even though Stinky made some very valid points, I dont know how to let it.

I"m sad today
tears are screaming down my face - and they wont stop. Why do I always end up being the bad guy and losing out.

I'm sad today
because I realize there may never be peace with you and I.

I'm sad today
because you make it seem like letting go - is easy as making mud. It's not something I just picked up over night - and it' s not going to be easy to just let go.

I'm sad today
bcuz these burdens are so heavy. And the one person that I want to understand and be there - cant.

I'm sad today -
because no matter how much I try - no matter what I do- happiness never really comes.

I'm sad today -
because when I think of Khalil. I dont see his face as clearly as before. I cant hear is faint smile as I did 13 yrs ago.

I'm sad today -
because I want my daddy - but Dec 2nd was the 3rd yr anniversary of his death.

I'm sad today -
because some of the questions I need answering - may never be answered.

I'm sad today -
bcuz the snow wont go away.

I'm sad today -
bcuz I dont know how to become truly happy. My happiness left in '95 when I lost the one gift GOD gave me just to take him away 27 days later.

I dont know how to let that go -

I'm sad to day

Ranomly Ranting V12.6 - but what's the use???

PART 1....

1. Why do things have to be this way?
2. I miss you so much! :(
3. How can I...can we fix things?
4. Are they even fixable this time?
5. Are you really willing to walk away from me?
6. I replay that question over and over and hear you say, "Nora, I'm not sure, I dont know!" How can you not know?
7. Seems hurting my feelings is the new in thing for you.
8. We have chemistry, just seems we cant tune it in to work for us, only against us. :(
9. How can it be fixed??? (Oh,I've said that already - but I really want to know)
10. What do you want from me???? What do you expect from me?
11. You say you want me to be myself - but you cant really accept me for me! WHY????
12. Why cant I stop thinking about you???
13. I know you care...maybe more then you want to.
14. I wish the weekend could have turned out differently.
15. Maybe one day, we'll be able to do it over and get it right....maybe...
16. Our fate lies in your hands. I'll fall back, and if I never hear from you again, then Iguess I got my answer...and that's that.
17. Falling asleep in your arms was really nice.
18. Seems like after the first big argument, we just haven't been back on track.
19. I really dont want to lose you or your friendship. :(
20. I miss my early morning text messages from you.
21. I hope you dont decide to give up on me...on us!
22. I am willing to meet you half way...but I cant be the only one that wants this to work. I cant be the only one that is working at getting things right. I just cant do it alone.
23. You once said I am worth it...our friendship is worth saving. Do you still mean it?
24. I know my past play a big part in my actions. It is hard for me...because of so many reasons...but I am trying hard not to let those things hinder my future.
25. I need a little patience from you. You even admitted yourself you're too hard on me.
26. Please dont give up on me.
27. I am talking as if we've just broken up or something. But truth is...losing your friendship is probably worse than losing you as a man...my man. I value you that much. You mean a lot to me...your friendship means a lot to me.
28. Even though I dont alwas open up to you when you'd like for me to; I do open up to you. Most times more then I do folks I've known way longer then you.
29. I just want our friendship back.
30. I am so sorry for my part in this whole mess.
31. I believe in you. I believe this friendship is worth saaving. I hope you do too.

I want my friend back - WHAT MUST I DO???

part 2...

So I started writing this blog a few days ago - and more came to me...so here it is...

Why does it always seem that I care more about someone than they do for me?

My past does play a big part in how I am now. I know it's effed me up something bad - with being afraid to open up, to trust, to love. I do see more and more it really does hinder my growth as a person, a friend, a mate, daughter, sister, aunt.

I want to change, but I've been this Nora for as long as I can remember. It's how I protect myself from being hurt. But that defense mechanism doesn't always work. I try not to let folks get close to me. But seems somehow, every blue moon, someone slip through that brick wall that I have built for over 15 years to protect me. And letting my guard down only gets me hurt in the end.

But it's not allows just them. I know I am not an easy person to get along with. So I take responsibility and admit to my part in all the apin I endure.

I dont always like the Nora I've become. But I dont know how to be any other Nora.

And it hurts to feel like someone I care so much about. Someone that I've accepted for whom he is (even the stuff, I dont like) - but why cant or wont accept me for who I am and always judging me.

I just want you to accept me for me and stop judging me.

I know you have good intentions and you mean well. and I believe you truly care. There is a method to your madness. But your ways are counter-productive when it comes to me.

It scares me sometimes because I recall some of the stuff I went through with my son's father when dealing with you.

Not in the since I think you'd ever hit me, but some of the verball stuff hurts way more than any fist could ever. (and it's not about cussing me out..bcuz you dont do that and I dont believe you ever will - it's just some of the things you say)...I dont know..

I just want to be happy. I just want you to be happy as well. Maybe we aren't meant to be a couple...but does the friendship have to end also?

I am working on me. Here I am 33 years old. No living babies, no husband, not really content with my life. Even though it's not a bad one. It's just not what I expected it to be at 33.

I want a family. I want a husband, a child or 2. A home, maybe off the lake. I want to be ablet o raise our children together, go on vacations, have each others back through thick and thin, spoil our grandbabies, grow old together and be happy.

Then I come back to reality that may never happen for me. Maybe I am the horrible person you make me feel I am and dont deserve to be happy.

Maybe it will never happen for me and I'm destined to be alone and unhappy.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be loved.

I just want to be a wife...a mother and have a family

Is that too much to ask for?

I know relationshipships are not easty. Be it friendship...dating...marriage. And it takes alot of hard work, patience, comunication, understanding, relativity and LOVE.

I'm willing to work and give someone 100% of me. Just dont seem it will ever happen...not for me anyways...

BLOG'S SONG

sorry, i dont feel like lookin up the lyrics...