Ok, so lately, I’ve been a feeling a little down. And was listening to this gospel mix cd I made, and this song came on. As you can see, I can find a song for just about any situation. Any mood I’m in. Through music, I’m able to express myself in a way I cant always do.
But this song got me to thinking and reflecting about my life…past, present and future.
Well lets reflect a little about the past. I will make it short and just point out with bullets some of the major life experiences, that has helped shape me to be the person I am today.
- I’ve been raped
- I’ve been stabbed by a man that swore he loved me
- I’ve been lied to, lied on, and I’ve lied about many things, even who I was once before
- I hated my life and everything about it
- I had low self esteem
- I was about 100lbs heavier then I am now, even though I still have some pounds to shed
- I have lost a child
- My best child hood friend died in my arms from being shot right in front of me
- I was depressed lonely, dazed and confused
- I’ve attempted suicide 3 different times
- I once lost my faith in people, in GOD, and in myself
Ok, this is making me depressed. But my past is apart of me. And though it hasn’t been pretty, it is what it is. My past helped shape me to be the sometimes negative person those that I talk too see. My past helped shape me to be the positive person some of you see. My past helped shaped me to be the person that you can come to, and I’ll be honest with you and not sugar coat shit. I’ll tell you what I feel about whatever. And if you come to me with a problem, issue or concern; you know you’ll get the honest answer out of me. No more lies, no more drama. Just straight up, no catcher. I don’t try to hurt folks feelings with the things I say, but if you and I call one another friends, then you already know that about me. My past made me the person that loves very hard once you are in my life. Be it for any type of relationship. But it takes a lot to get in my life, to get that close to me. But once you’re in, you’re in. Even if we don’t talk any more, the love I’ve had for you, is still there. It’s just that I saw fit to not include you in my every day life any longer.
I dont even know how my life went into such a downward spiral. I guess putting all of my faith into a man, that gave less then 2 shits about me. Believing in a doomed relationship from the start. Holding on to someone that only beat my ass. Caring more about someone and being in a relationship, then I cared for myself. Not wanting to be lonely, unloved and alone.
But my past, no matter how ugly…it was what it was…and ‘m still here.. Because my life is in GOD’s hands…and only HE can put an expiration date on my life…
On to my present…
Well, today, my days are not as dark as they once were. I believe I still have a lot of growing today, still trying to really find myself, and my place in life. I don’t know what God has in store for my life. But even through trying to kill myself. Even though being depressed for years, and blaming myself for so many things. I’m still here. I’m still going strong. The low self esteem is no more. I love myself, more and more every day. And I don’t think I’m such a bad person, even though I have done some bad things. I don’t make excuses for myself, because there were many people that tried to help me alone the way. But it was me that had the pity party, and didn’t listen to them. But I’m taking heed now. Because no matter how bad something else, it’s not always about how it got that way. It’s about how you handle the situation. I handled many things horribly and some things, I just decided not to deal with. And not handling as a way to deal, was one of the worse things I could have done. But I’m dealing with them now. And coming to some harsh realities in my life. I was a mess. I don’t know any other way to describe it, but I was a mess. But…today…I’m not as much of a mess as before. I’m dealing with the things I choose to hinder my life.
Some things are not pretty to deal with. Some things make me have to relive some of the pains I tried to run from. But, I’ve decided, if I don’t deal with them now, they will forever hinder my life. And I don’t want that. I cant really have any kind of healthy relationships, be it friendships or other wise, if I don’t handle this stuff now.
I know I’m not always the most positive person, and I can be damn near impossible to deal with, especially if you haven’t taken the time to really try to know me. If I’ve given you the chance to. You know, I didn’t to be this way over night, and it’s going to take some time. But I am working on the negativity. I am working on not shutting people out of my life. Not allowing one bad thing to handle, and I say, “screw this”, because I feel that if you let me down once, you’ll always do it.
I’ve had many disappointments in my life. I’ve lost many people that I love, through death, through disagreements, by chance. And there aren’t many folks in my life now that I feel that I can really count on. But the ones that are here, I’m grateful too. I know it’s not easy dealing with me. I know I have some hang ups about me. But I’m a work in progress.
I hope you continue this journey with me. Bcuz it will be well work the ride.
My future…
I have no idea what’s in store for me. I know I want to get married one day. I want to have a child or two.
I know I’m afraid of the unknown.
I know one day, the nightmares will stop, and I’ll be able to get a good’s night sleep.
But whatever my future holds. I know I’ll be the best person that I can be. No more esteem issues. No more lies, No more feeling sorry for myself.
Just living a healthy, happy, productive life.
And no matter what may come my way..
MY LIFE IS IN GOD’s HANDS….
My Life is in YOUR Hands
You don't have to worry
And don't you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning
Troubles they don't last always
For there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if your heart is broken
Just lift your hands and say
OhI know that I can make it
I know that I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
So when your tests and trials
They seem to get you down
And all your friends and loved ones
Are nowhere to be found
Remember there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe your tears away
And if you heart is brokenJust lift your hands and say
OhI know that I can make itI know that
I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your handsWith Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in your hands
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